Cyclical meanderings…. part 12…. What’s Next?

She sits on her front balcony, a balcony that won’t be hers in a few months from now, holding a glass of whisky, ashtray to her right, cat meowling at her feet, and wonders.

What’s next

What’s next for you my darling, the door is finally closing on the remnants of your old life, and truly, truly for the first time, you have your whole life ahead of you, nothing more to hold you back. Not finances, not family, not partners who need you to stay within their world in order to make sense of themselves, not fear as to who you are and where you are and even worse, where you are not. Not anger at the past, not solid expectations about the future, not regret, not guilt, not sorrow.

Possibilities abound.

She has finally reached a state of fluidity.

She thinks about the past few years, especially the past few months, the myriad of experiences she’s had, the people that she’s encountered, the souls that she’s touched, and has been touched by. The loves that she has gained, the pain, the loss, the joy, the growth, the experience.

So many pages, so many stories, so much life.

She feels blessed, lucky, thankful.

Blessed is not a word she is accustomed to, a word that has come from old liars in gowns and funny hats, but it’s a word that fits. The universe has blessed her, because she has blessed herself.

She feels lucky to be who she is, how she is, what she is, where she is. Lucky to connect with the world with the ease that she does, lucky that she has crossed so many beautiful travelers, lucky that they will share their stories with her, and at times, share their bodies, their love, their souls.

She feels thankful for those who stand by her side, and thankful that she gets to stand by theirs. She is thankful to the army of ghosts that stand behind her, always there, memories, fragments, lessons and warnings. She feels thankful for the fact that her journey has not ended, that she knows now that this journey never ends, and even after we become a ghost ourselves, remnants of us remain in the thoughts and actions of others, we all change each other as we travel through this existence, who is to say how far those tendrils can reach. Immortality is within each and every one of us.

And now she sits, sipping on her whisky, and she wonders, what’s next….

She is finally comfortable with her place in her life, happy, even proud at times. She has been through so much, and she knows that there is so much more to go through, and she is eager to discover who she will be at those times. She used to want to know who she will end up being, but she sees now, there is no such thing. There is no end point, there is no goal to be reached, there is simply the journey.

And every day brings the possibility of something new.

Her fingers dance across the keys, hands twisting, putting words on the page before she knows them in her mind.

Nothing has gone the way she has planned, life has never become a static bliss, because there is no such thing, and each time that she has tried, life has simply… stopped. She knows not where she will be, who she will be, but she trusts in herself that she will take the right path, and even a path that appears wrong, or leads to darkness and pain, will eventually reveal itself to be necessary. Because that is her life, her journey, her story. No one else’s, not anymore.

And she is drifting in the river of experience, and she lets the currents take her, and she revels in the chaos and excitement, and yet, she no longer tries to hold onto the shore, no longer grasping for branches that dip into the waters as tempting handholds, false escapes, promises of stability, promises of calm and contentment, promises of control. There is no such thing.

And she smiles, and tilts her head back to the heavens, and breathes.

And she wonders, what’s next….

A spiderweb of paths lie before her, a indiscernible pattern of parallel universes, layers upon layers of them, and she realizes, that they are not exclusive, she can follow many, she can split herself amongst them, tasting them, knowing that each path will bring beauty of a different sort, some intoxicatingly beautiful, some filled with soul shattering pain, but all filled with emotion, experience, life.

The possibilities are endless, yet, so is she, and she is no longer afraid.

She knows what she ultimately wants, she knows what she wants her life to mean, she knows what she wants to leave behind, and what she wants to create. And she sheds the rules that she once believed would lead her safely there, she discards the expectations on how her goals will be reached, the means that she will attain them, what they will look like, and trusts in herself, knowing that she does what she needs to do, what she feels is right, even when it isn’t, and honors that, and discards that as well, and moves forward.

Ever moving forward, no longer with her head down and shoulders hunched, no longer with anger, and longing, and jealousy, and need, but with love, and joy, and experience, and strength, and ultimately, trust that she will do what is right.

Trust in herself, trust in the universe, trust in this incredible gift that we have all been given, trust, in life itself

And she smiles

and she sips her whisky

and she asks the stars

what’s next?


3 Responses to "Cyclical meanderings…. part 12…. What’s Next?"

  • Thanks for your personal marvelous posting!
    I seriously enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.I will
    make sure to bookmark your blog and will eventually come back at some point.
    I want to encourage yourself to continue your great work, have a nice weekend!

    1 tricycles for kids said this (July 27, 2015 at 5:33 pm)

  • Wow, incredible writing skills! It’s my first time on your blog and not my last. You seem to have been trought alot to write like this. You’re defininitely the kind of person which must be pretty interresting to discuss with. Being a transgender person myself, I know that life doesn’t seem to be a bless everyday. But I could only agree with the conclusion you get of it. Keep that way of thinking; it’s a great way to keep moving forward in your life and also a great source of inspiration for your readers!

    2 Stephanie said this (July 29, 2015 at 8:40 pm)

  • Cheers Stephanie!, and welcome to my little corner of the web 🙂

    3 Dawn said this (July 31, 2015 at 8:09 pm)

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