relationships are confusing

I’ve been trying to write a piece on relationship types for a few weeks now, in order to discover what I ultimately want in my next long term coupling.

And I’m finding I just can’t do it, I always end up writing myself into a corner, at a complete loss of what is right or wrong for me.

I talk about the pitfalls of classic monogamy and how I want to avoid those. I look at poly and open relationships, which I’ve done both now, but the former was unhealthy, badly done, and with someone that really wasn’t right for me, no matter how much I believed it back then… and the latter didn’t last long enough to know if it would have worked out in the long run even though the open aspect was going great.

I examine how my feelings changed within the poly relationship at the whole concept of being intimate with others as the relationship progressed, how at first I slept with and fooled around with others, and how that rapidly shut down inside me, the desire vanished.

I think about how for most of my life I didn’t like casual dating, didn’t understand it, found it a waste of time, yet now that’s exactly what I’m doing. Fooling around a lot, seeing a couple of people from time to time, always finding new connections and exploring them in various ways.

I realize that for the first time in my life, I don’t want a steady long term “planning for the future” relationship. I felt the possibility of that with someone even though it would have taken a while to get there, and at first it felt great, comfortable, then I immediately crush on someone else, and someone else, and someone else, and don’t want to throw away those crushes, those possibilities, even though I know that none of them are long term potential… I still want to see it, feel it…

I want to keep exploring

Re-reading this, I’m kind of sounding like my ex all of a sudden…. that’s odd….

A good friend of mine told me a few weeks back while I was catching her up on my latest… *ahem*… adventures, “see, I told you you were poly!”. I laughed and waved it off, but…. I guess I’m kind of doing a version of it…. I just call it casually dating multiple people.

I still expect that if I feel that killer connection with someone that the rest will shut down, that I won’t want the rest anymore, in fact I kind of want that to be the case, poly is complicated… but I’m starting to realize that I can’t count on that.

This really is starting to feel like when I try to pinpoint and label my sexuality, each time I think I have myself figured out, the universe says “ha ha!, fuck you!” and throws someone of a completely unexpected gender variant at me. Figured I was bi, then became straight, then fell in love with a cis woman, kept wanting guys when I was with her, that ends and now I have next to no interest in guys, except an adorable trans guy, and I just don’t fucking know anymore. When it comes to sexuality, I find that I care less and less about what I am, if I’m into you, there’s a good chance I’ll try and kiss you, and I don’t particularly care who or what you are.

Guess I’m going to have to do the same with relationships for a while as well, just go with the flow, if I want to spend more time with someone, or become intimate with someone, I’ll put it on the table, and just see where it goes.

I’ve been getting pretty good at letting go of expectations in general and just letting life take me where it wants, time to start doing that with relationships I suppose. Can’t hurt

Just watch…. after coming to this conclusion… I’ll be in a traditional mono relationship in like a month from now…. thanks universe 😉

 


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