Full circle

It’s nice to be back out here in Victoria, a place that I wrote about a few times three years ago, a special place for me.

Also, the place that he died.

When I tell my story, I often say that he went to Victoria and never came back, I came back instead. After my last trip here, I was in therapy less than a month later, my old in laws had found out about me, choices were being made, everything started changing, and I entered into the final stretch.

Hanging out with a friend last night, one that I had met during my catalyst trip, she mentioned how it was clear to her that I was going through a major evolution back then, when we met. I was shifting, the boulder was screaming down the hill and picking up speed.

After just three months of therapy I had my letter, three months later I had started hormones, and if I hadn’t come here when I had, I can’t say that it would have progressed as fast as it had. It was going to happen, that’s a given at that point in my life, but that trip really sped things up. It solidified the need to transition, made me realize I could no longer wait, could no longer put it off until I was ready.

We’re never truly ready for any major life change after all

I remember sitting in the Victoria airport waiting to board to head home, talking to Becca, I was in tears, she was scared. So much had happened to me while I was here, so many new experiences and feelings.

I remember asking her, ‘could you ever love Dawn?’, and she gave me that final answer

no

I asked again and again, tears streaming down my face, people glancing at me out of the corners of their eyes. The answer never changed

she knew something had happened while I was here, she knew something had shifted in me, changed, and it wasn’t going back

It was here that Dawn felt love for the first time, not tolerance, not acceptance, but actual love, and I knew I could never accept less in my life, especially in the life that I was going to enter. I didn’t want to see pain in her eyes everytime she looked at me, feel her body tense up when I held her or stole a kiss, I didn’t want to do that to her or to myself. It wouldn’t have been fair to either of us, and she had been through enough in her journey with me

Even though we kept trying and kept trying up until the final day, looking back, I think everything ended that morning, sitting in the airport, at gate 11, sobbing into my phone, not caring who saw or who heard, trying to hold onto hope, onto my old life, trying to find a way to be myself and still be with her, knowing that it wasn’t to be. She knew she had lost me, lost him, and she was never going to see him again

……

so now, almost three years later, I’m back, and this time I’m me, a person who has been here before yet in some ways, it’s my first time here. I expected it to feel stranger than it has so far, I expected to be flooded with emotions, with a sense of loss, but instead I’ve been calm. This really is a lovely town, friendly, open, pretty and clean.

I go back to my favorite little restaurants and bars, experiencing them again for the first time. I wander the streets that I’ve wandered before, seeing them in a new light, with a new sense of peace in my soul. No longer afraid that it may all end, no longer counting the minutes until I had to go back to somewhere where I couldn’t be myself every day, every minute.

I wander through the shipyard doing my work, comfortable in my surroundings, zipping through the ship like an old pro, taking my place. Seeing old faces that I remember interacting with, enjoying their looks of faint and confused recognition. I pass by, the ghost of my former self drifting behind me

I see places that I visited with Becca when she came here with me while on business…. and I smile, and miss those times, and think of her, of us. I see her beside me, beside him, laughing, exploring. Darth Vader playing violin on the corner of Government street, the market, the photography store, our love

I reconnect with friends that I had made on my previous trips, it’s been almost three years, yet it feels that almost no time has passed. Thoughts of my journey over this time slice, realizing how different I now am, yet looking out of the same eyes that met these people and saw this town not that long ago.

Completely different, yet completely the same, as though a part of me never left

and in a way, that’s true

I’ve come full circle, to my birthplace, and to my grave

thank you Don, Elody, Rayne

thank you Victoria

I’ll be back one day

I promise


No Comments (yet)

Leave a Reply

Comments RSS Subscribe to the Comments RSS.