Cyclical Meanderings…. part 11…. Pills

It’s a thought I’ve had before, just came into a bit more clarity today.

I take a lot of medication each day, and I’m heading to my pharmacist tomorrow to renew my prescriptions and add yet another pill to my daily routine.

Granted, two of the pills I take are for my back problems, I could probably cut them out at this point, haven’t had much out-of-the-ordinary pain in a while, only get sore when a 37 year old person should get sore, but I guess I’m a little worried that my back problems will return seriously if I remove them from my regimen, scared to try.

One other pill is to protect my stomach from all the other medication I take.

The rest is all due to HRT, hormone replacement therapy for those who don’t recognize the acronym.

I take my anti-androgen, commonly known as a testosterone blocker, cause my body keeps making that crap and I need something else to absorb it. I take finasteride whose side effect is to eat testosterone after it has morphed into a different version, which also helps thicken my hair, counteract the loss I had already sustained before I started my real life. I have my estrogen patches which alter my inner chemicals to those of a cis woman, help my mind relax, help my body change, and have been so good to me so far…. seriously, I know I’m lucky, E has done wonderful things to me and my system has taken to it like a fish out of water.

I’m going to be adding progesterone tomorrow, another naturally occurring chemical in a cis woman’s system, which doesn’t have enough data to prove anything conclusively for us trans women, but anecdotal evidence has shown that it can greatly help in breast development (which I’m doing fine on, but hey, a little more would be nice), can raise energy (which I often lack), and raise libido (which I have almost none of). So why not, give it a shot, see what happens.

What if…. one day…. I can’t get access to all of this. Our medical system switches from the socialist system we (luckily) have to something more like our neighbors to the south, or I lose my job and won’t be covered at the rate that I am and wouldn’t be able to afford it all, or absolute worst scenario, our society completely crumbles and medication like this becomes a thing of the past as the remains of civilization simply fights to survive, real post apocalyptic shit.

Who would I be?, what would I be?, how would I be perceived?

My body at this point is somewhat locked in, I’ve been on the ‘juice’ for long enough, but an experiment I ran last year in cutting my T blockers by half has already shown me that reducing the medication in my system makes for some rapid changes in my mood, my body’s workings, the way I feel about myself. I wouldn’t lose all of the changes that have already happened in my body, but some would revert, like any woman going through menopause, their breasts shrink and lose some fullness, body hair can start growing as the ratio between testosterone and estrogen changes, skin changes, smells and sweat increase, the body essentially…. masculinises.

Would I still feel like me?, would I still be seen as the woman I am?. I abhor the way that testosterone makes me feel, this I know to an absolute certainty, but if I had no choice, what would my identity be?

It’s a very strange thing to feel that my life depends on medication……

…. but then I tell myself, lots of people depend on medication to live, people with serious diabetes, people with heart conditions, people with manageable diseases or sicknesses, all of these people need pills and modern science to live, to survive.

The difference with someone like me…. is that I would continue to live…. I don’t need this to physically survive…. I need this to live the life I want, the life that is right for me, the life I should have had.

And for whatever reason, that makes me feel like it’s slightly less legitimate than someone who would literally die without their pills, not counting suicide that is….

But isn’t life more than simply survival?, well, I guess in the post apocalyptic scenario, it isn’t, it truly is about survival, but that’s not where we are in this world, the world that I’m privileged enough to inhabit, to have always inhabited. I’m not out for survival, I’m out to actually fucking live. My privilege showing…..

Before I started HRT, I knew I should have been a woman, part of me had always been a woman, and most likely, I would have offed myself if I couldn’t or didn’t transition at one point. Now that I’m more than two years in, I simply could not imagine my life without the internal feelings that I have, the chemical balance that keeps me sane, incredibly emotional yes, but sane. This makes me completely dependent upon my meds, and I don’t like being dependent on things.

I don’t want to be dependent upon our medical system to let me be who I am. I don’t want to be dependent on my medical insurance to make who I am affordable.

Yet…..

I am

Simple fact of the matter is that…. I am.

Who would I be without my medication?… I suppose I’d still be me, I’d still maintain my identity, but I’d have to fight for it more and more, both with society and the eyes of others, and with myself. This is a fight I deal with daily… and it would just become a tougher fight… not one I’d be keen in attempting… not one I’m sure that I’d have the strength to win

Makes me think of my bubbles post from a few months back, we are who society allows us to be, regardless of who we actually are, unless we are ready to be shat upon by society at every turn…. and I’m not. I’m not that strong…. then again, I may be, I just haven’t had to be that strong yet…. my privilege makes my weird life relatively easy, regardless of how strong people perceive me to be, regardless of the battles I have to fight….

I have no real answer to this, sorry to those who were expecting me to have some sort of revelation here….

 

It’s weird being trans


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