What do you want?

I met this really cool chick randomly at a show recently, hit it off (in a fully platonic way), found myself at her place a week later enjoying a couple bottles of wine and a lovely home cooked meal, and chitchatting non stop like I have a habit of doing.

As seems to be more and more common with me these days, I meet another like me, a thinker, an introspective person, and one who loves to share and open up with deep and meaningful conversations.

She made an interesting observation, how of course right now I’m not finding what I want in relationships, because I don’t necessarily know what I want. I’ve tried casual sleeping around, a more regular relationship with a guy who wasn’t a good fit for me, a crazy poly mixed up relationship, and now I’m experimenting with actual no-future-possible casual dating. She stated I’m in a place of ambiguity, trying things on for size, discarding them when I find they don’t fit, and moving on. Which is absolutely normal for a woman who is learning her place in life, and I most definitely should not judge myself for not having found where I fit just yet.

She then dropped a bomb on me, looking at me right in the eyes, she utters those powerful words, words I’ve written about before

 

What Do You Want?

 

I chuckle, grin, feeling the words. Laughing sheepishly, I reply “I just want to be happy”…. knowing it’s the wrong answer…. knowing things don’t work that way, life doesn’t work that way. She barks a frustrated laugh at me and pretends to slap me across the face. I acquiesce that I know it’s not a useful answer, that life isn’t a mountain to climb and once you get to the top you can stop trying.

Even though a part of me keeps on wishing that’s how it worked…. wouldn’t that make things so easy?…. wasn’t that what we were taught when we were little?…. you do this, you do that, you check off all these little boxes, and you’ll be happy, you’ll have what you want, you’ll be able to stop trying and fighting….

The journey itself is the key, not the end. There is no goal to reach except for those goals we set ourselves, and once we hit each of these goals, we don’t stop, we can’t stop, we just keep going, making new goals, having new experiences, constantly changing, evolving. Scary as fuck to be honest….

She told me that she would give me a month, she would ask me the same question on May 18th. Dawn, what do you want?. She didn’t expect a full answer, she knows it’s a difficult question, but she wanted me to think about it, get something down on paper, give it a shot.

I find it beautiful how life seems to throw what you need at you when you need it, whether you know it or not, this is a huge pattern in my life, and I’m sure if others look for this they’ll be able to see the patterns as well.

So I’ve been thinking, starting in my mind, letting it slip away, trying on different ideas. I’m still not sure how I want to answer this, but I will explore it, it is something I want to do. Trying not to slip into the classic pitfalls, trying not to attach it to material gains like so many of us lead our lives, like I used to and never found peace on that path.

Time to think

What do I want?


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