Catalysts and gratitude and closure

There’s an old adage which goes something like:

Each person that comes into your life does so for a reason, either you will change them, or they will change you.

It all sounds lovely and pretty and spiritual, but when it comes down to reality, there can be a lot of pain involved in this process.

Because it can really suck when you are the changer, and someone you loved deeply but could no longer be with, is the one changed for the better. Even, perhaps, one day, changed into the person or type of person that would be an incredible fit for you, but too late to be in your life anymore as you move forwards.

Early into our relationship, she told me that I would change everything. Looks like she may have been right.

I just didn’t want it to happen the way it did. I wanted us to grow and change together, but that was impossible. We were in two very different places in our own personal development, and it’s almost always impossible to go through serious personal changes when you are with someone that you love and who loves you. It usually spells the end of the relationship as one persons path veers off and the other holds onto the person they fell in love with, a person that usually no longer exists.

I learned some information recently, information granted freely, information I had wanted, but I had never thought it would have cut me so deeply. I honestly thought I would have been happy to hear what I did, but instead, I spent much of the next few days in tears, in anger, mired in self pity, lost to myself. I can still feel the emotions trying to burst through even though they aren’t as terrible.

If she plays her cards right, and is strong enough, she will have gained so much from this relationship, from knowing and loving me and having me love her in return. It could be deeply transformative, and in ways that she truly needs and has needed for a very long time.

She met me for a reason.

Why did I meet her?

I’ve been angry and felt cheated, used, taken advantage of over this. Plunged back into darkness and loss. Feeling the imbalance of it all, the unfairness of the situation as I perceive it. What life changing lessons have I learned?, how have I been positively altered from this experience?

What can I take away from this to make my life better?

I struggle to answer those questions.

My circle tells me that I tried something completely out of my comfort zone which should be commended, and that I’m going through the mourning and healing process incredibly well, but that most importantly, I was able to say “no more” and let things end. They tell me this definitely is a life changing experience, and that it will help me listen to myself closer, love myself more, put myself first and make my needs important, and eventually, make better choices in a partner in the future. Someone who is at my level, and will be able to grow with me, instead of someone who is just starting on the path of self awareness.

One part of me knows they’re right, but at the same time, I still feel cheated. Did I have to endure this much pain and confusion just to learn those simple lessons?, lessons that I’ll most likely screw up on a few more times until I start to get it right….

Perhaps the lessons aren’t as simple as I make them out to be.

One thing I do know that I have received from this is the knowledge that I don’t love myself the way that I deserve. Prior to this event, the concept of self care and self maintenance was alien to me. I gave myself what I needed to get by, and the rest, I searched for from others. I would take care of myself only when I truly needed it, when my body was failing, when emergencies and crises demanded it, but as I felt better, and healed, I would stop, and always go back to the bare minimum. I would create my own waves of happiness and depression, not even knowing that I was doing it, not realizing the damage I was doing to myself.

Saying enough was a good start, taking care of my body through excercise, activity, eating well and drinking less in another good step, filling my mind with positive and helpful guidance, exploring the peace and personal reprogramming that can occur through meditation, taking time to be with myself instead of living a life of distraction, all useful and positive activities. But I still have to force myself to do these things, even though I know they help me, they aren’t natural to me.

This whole situation has gotten me thinking about my past relationships as well. I’ve been the catalyst for many people in my life, who are no longer in my life, and I’ve sometimes bitched about not having had my own catalyst. Who was going to do for me what I’ve done for so many others?

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Without the love and support from my ex wife, I would never have been born. She gave me my life through her support, she allowed me to become who I am now even though it hurt her. She persevered because she knew it was the right thing to do and she loved me deeply, and wanted only the best for me, encouraging me to do what was right for me, giving me that love that I could not give myself… not because she was getting anything out of it, quite the opposite in fact, considering I killed her husband.

I’ve known this, felt this, for a while now, the guilt at what I put her through, but this recent experience has put it into a different perspective for me, it hits deeper.

I gained the world, my soul, my life from her, and what did I do for her?, what life altering positive changes did I make in her after our seven year relationship?

I hope there were some, I hope she got something out of being with me, but I definitely gained the most, what more is there than ones life, ones soul. I gained my fucking life because of her, and to thank her, I treated her badly because of my own misery, and I took the love of her life away from her, permanently.

I clearly know why she came into my life, and I wonder if she asked herself the same questions as I’m doing now when we separated. She gave me seven years of her life, and they weren’t always easy, not in the least. I only gave Mara five and a half months.

She will be in my heart and in my thoughts until the day I die, I will always love her and hold those memories deep inside me, and cherish them. I will always wish her the best, and pray that she is happy, that she has everything she wants, everything her beautiful soul desires, and that she will live a long and glorious life. The gratitude that I feel towards her cannot be measured. Yet as much as I wish I could say these words to her in person, show her the woman that I’ve become, that she helped create, fall to my knees and beg for her forgiveness, I’ll never contact her, or send her an email, or call her, I’ll never risk giving her one more iota of pain than I already have. That is the last thing she deserves.

—–

I’ve been futzing over this piece for a week now, the events described above, the information gained, which triggered all of this, was back then. Since that time, other events have occurred, which while were not desired, and made the pain I felt last week feel like a pinprick compared to how I felt this past weekend, gave me a chance to say my final words to her, words I wished I could have said when we were breaking up, breaking apart. I’m still ashamed at how that happened, that I couldn’t be the one to say it, that I needed her strength to cut the cord that tied us so tightly together. I’m ashamed at not being able to control my emotions, to not be able to rationally explain what was in my heart.

But now they have been spoken, and transmitted, and while I know they will sting in certain ways, I pray that they will help her move forward, and grow, no matter how devastating that growth may be. Part of me wanted to lash out, to slice her to ribbons, but I couldn’t, I didn’t want to be that person. Pain does not cure pain, only love does. So instead of pain, I gave her what I feel is the last gift I’ll give her, wrapped up in my words.

And the door is closed

Locked

and for the first time since all of this has happened…

I truly miss her…

her smile, her laugh, the twinkle in her eyes, her mind, her body pressed to mine as we fell asleep together, holding her tight and her sighing in true bliss as she nestled herself against me

I miss her terribly

but our story is finished


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