Cyclical meanderings…. part 10…. Happy Second Birthday Dawn

I’m a few hours late, sue me….

I’ve been wanting to write a two year post all week, started a few times at work, never felt like it was going the way I wanted to, forgot about it, usual stuff. So I’m just gonna write, see what comes out.

For those who know that my “standard” birthday is end of November, I’m talking about my HRT start date, two years ago today.

Yup, two years already, boobs looks great, hehehehe

The main thread that’s been going through my head this past week, or maybe even a little longer than that, is a conflicted mixup of how much has happened to me over these past two years, contrasted with the anxiety that I feel like I’m wasting precious time. I’ve probably had more experiences in this relatively short period of my life than I’ve had in the past twenty years, yet, I still have that bad habit of judging myself for not being where I want to be, even though that concept keeps shifting around in my head. I used to be where I thought I wanted to be, wife, house, planning a family, and I had that chance again recently…. although granted, not in the way I had expected…. yet I was still not at ease. It felt wonderful, yet at the same time, it didn’t feel right.

It’s better that I’m me now, although in some ways, that makes it tougher, I’m me, but fuck, I’m twenty years behind!.

Part of me is still searching for something, searching for me, who am I?, what do I want?

Pretty much everyone knows that I’m really hung up on age, and I know this whole “I’m not where I should be” concept plays a heavy role in that hangup. I feel like there is a clock ticking inside me, and it’s bloody aggravating.

I may be mid / late 30s now, but in so many ways, I’m still a teenager, learning to navigate the world as a whole person now, not a false shell, an actor, learning things that most women learn in their teens or early twenties, how to love yourself truly, how to care for yourself, how to stop falling for the wrong type of people and stand up for what you want. How to not settle, like I’ve done so often in my life, and I realize that I continue to do it when it comes to romantic connections.

I feel often like I’ve been wasting these past two years, shouldn’t I be planning my future with my partner by now?, after all, he didn’t have much trouble finding a partner to plan a future with, all of my relationships in my previous life were serious ones, but of course….. I wasn’t me….. I was playing a part, living a story given to me by Disney, by my partners, by my expectations of what life is supposed to be, not always what I wanted, because I didn’t truly know what I wanted, and definitely not always what felt right.

But then I focus on everything that I have been through these past two years, losing a wife and family, making new and varied friends, trying new things, new ways of life, feeling anxiety and facing it head on, falling in love and getting my heart broken, exploring new hobbies, removing people from my life that no longer help me to grow, trying my hand at a new style of relationship, truly feeling for the first time I had found my soulmate, then, not too long afterwards, realizing I had it all wrong, that I was falling into old patterns of settling and letting myself be walked over, then finally standing up and saying “no more”. Exploring the spirituality that I’ve always felt within myself, trying new things on my own and for myself instead of for others or to make a partner happy. Embracing my true nature, accepting it, living this fast paced life that I’ve found myself in, enjoying that I don’t really know what’s coming next. Meeting someone new, knowing it’s not a possibility of forever, and actually being OK with that for once, still enjoying the exploration.

I don’t think I’ve ever gone through so many profound changes in who I am ever in my life, let alone in 700ish short days.

So no wonder I’m confused, no wonder I can feel overwhelmed and lost sometimes, because I am, and that’s OK, there’s nothing wrong with being lost sometimes, as long as you continue to move, to change, to evolve. I thought what I knew in the past and made acquiring that my mission, now I don’t know what I want, and I think I’m becoming OK with that. My mission now is simply to live, one day at a time, and see what life brings me.

I always sought to make a story with a partner, I feel I still want to do that at one point, but right now, in this period in my life, it’s time to finally make my own story. Be the starring character, without sharing the spotlight, write a few chapters completely on my own, and when I say on my own I don’t mean completely solitary, after all I have a huge amount of amazing people in my life right now and they will all be characters in my play as I am in theirs, but without a primary partner, which, let’s face it, is a pretty foreign concept for me.

When the time is right, when my spotlight shines bright enough, the right person will join their own fierce light to mine, and it will be magnificent, and maybe by then I’ll know where I want to proceed to, but for now….. the stage is mine.

…..

yup, this was as confusing as I expected it to be

😀


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