Cyclical Meanderings …. part 9….. moving on

Almost every day I sit down to write, half thoughts come out, I start examining something in one direction and my mind twists it around, usually to something self judgmental. So I stop

Flush the piece

Try again the next day….

Never sure what I want to focus on

I read things I wrote the day or two before and they don’t fit as much as they did…. my mind is everywhere…. my heart is a rollercoaster

…………..

I’ve been busy, usually enjoying myself. Keeping myself so busy that I ended up sick for a couple days, cancelled plans to go out, took care of myself.

Getting back into a routine. Parts of my story always come out, but it’s easier, even those I met through her agree it was for the best. My story doesn’t overwhelm me any longer, it’s simply reassurance to myself at this point, and once it’s passed over I can enjoy meeting new people, getting to know new friends better, enjoying the music of life.

Other than therapy a couple days ago, and briefly while talking to my Mom, I haven’t cried this week.

Got (most of) my stuff back, and said goodbye. Not farewell, which is what we said when we parted ways, because farewell isn’t forever, but goodbye. But I had to say it through him. I assume the message was received…

He did always treat me well and make me feel accepted. I do want the best for them. I hope they find their truth and look inwards and accept what they see….

I feel like I closed and locked a door, and it chokes me up inside, even though I know it had to be done. It’s not weakness on my part that the door has to be closed, as a part of my brain tries to tell me, judge me, it’s just the way it is, the way I need it to be. Her wanting to still be in each others lives somehow doesn’t represent that she is stronger than me, better than me, more well adjusted than me, as that same part of my brain tells me, it’s just the way she is. And that’s OK, we were obviously very different than one another. She represents a toxicity that I can’t be around any longer even though she is a good person with faults like the rest of us. For myself, for my own self care, I need to continue on this path without her in my life, without that constant reminder of the memories. I don’t need to hold onto something I no longer want just to prove something to myself or her

I’ve started taking care of myself. Eating, exercising, working, curling up on the couch watching movies and enjoying it, taking long baths, doing things with friends, meeting new people

Smiling at myself in the mirror

Letting myself feel interest in others, opening myself to allow others to feel interest in me

Allowing my mind to wander after a woman flirted with me and kissed me on the lips…. without any attachment to any outcome…..

Believing it when people tell me that of course I’ll feel love again, telling it to myself as well

Not seeing her as the last chance to have had a family, taking that as proof that it can happen and may happen again

Finding messages of love and encouragement everywhere I look

Hearing the same thing spoken in so many ways, embrace yourself, love yourself, practice feeling and accepting the dark and sad feelings, meet them with kindness, know that you’ll be OK, and know that it wont always be easy, that it takes practice, that I’ve avoided that for ten years letting the green cloud do it for me, but now I have that chance to no longer hide, to finally build that muscle, to create those grooves in my mind and in my soul. To let go, not only of my memories, but of my programming, to allow myself to grow

Constantly receiving validation, even from the poly community

Knowing I did the right thing

Knowing I’m doing the right thing

Knowing that I’m growing, and healing

and living

and loving and accepting myself


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