I guess I’m healing

It’s really not very pleasant to be honest.

I feel like I’ve told my story a hundred times now, and I know I’ll be telling it again before this is all over, before the healing is complete, before my heart feels what my brain knows, before I can truly let go. Each time I tell it, it becomes a bit easier. I keep receiving the validation I need, said in various ways, through the eyes and experiences of others as they place themselves in the world that I’ve been living in over the past few months. I talk of the loss of trust, I speak of what I perceived in their world, the variables I collected and conclusions I came to, and I hear others who have seen or lived similar things, and again I receive the validation that I crave. Even from those that know the situation intimately, they mirror my thoughts.

But even with all this validation, there is only one persons validation and acceptance that I really need, and that’s my own. Sometimes I feel it, I shake my head and wonder what the fuck was I ever doing, say out loud that it was never a relationship for me, for anyone really, and how I deserved so much more than what I was receiving, but then I think about the magic I felt when it was just the two of us together, the laughs, the love, the sex, the discussions, the sharing, the deep connection, and the anger and sadness and loneliness comes back. The wishing that things had been different.

Before I sleep, I tell myself that I forgive myself, for ignoring my needs, for giving too much of myself, for trying to change her into someone I could be with while I did the same with myself. We both lied to ourselves, and ignored who each other really was, in order to hold on to those feelings that we had never felt so strongly. I tell myself that I forgive myself, but I need to repeat it over and over, because I haven’t actually done it yet, and I know that once I have, I’ll have to work on forgiving her next.

I tell myself I love myself, that what I want is OK, that I am deserving of the life that I want, and that I’ll have it. It’s not that outlandish after all.

And this helps me sleep deeply.

I had a late lunch today with a very dear friend, and once again, my story was told. She reacted differently than most, and it was challenging to me, but I know there is a lot of truth in her words. I’m usually up for a challenge after all. She talked to me, and told me how everything I said was true and valid, that what happened in the relationship wasn’t right, that it was never for me and I ignored that, and yes my pain is real and must be traveled through (she compared it to withdrawal which I believe is very apt), and that there is nothing wrong with what I want. The challenge was the form in which my needs are envisioned in my head. I see myself with the family I want, with the security that I want, and it’s a very precise image, and she helped me see that the image that I have in my head is simply an avatar for a feeling, that feeling of finally being complete. I’ve almost attained that image after all, minus a child, but I had the family, I had the wife, and the house, and granted I wasn’t myself, I was still him, I was miserable in more than just my gender. I really believed that transitioning would fulfill that feeling, and it did for a short while, but unfortunately it didn’t last.

She showed me how I see myself through the eyes of others. I’ve often said how strange I find it that I’m so loved by so many, I get along with pretty much anyone provided they are a good person, I can make tables of strangers laugh and become good friends at the drop of a hat. I know I’m a good person, but I’ve never found myself to be terribly special or unique, and I definitely don’t see myself the way that so many others do. When I’m with them, and I feel that love that interest in me through them, then I feel it for myself, but when I’m alone, that feeling quickly goes away.

{This makes me feel kind of awful to write to be honest, as though the only reason I surround myself with people is to feel good about myself, and while I do feel better when I’m surrounded by others, accepted by them, loved by them, I truly do love to be around my friends, to spend time with people I love and respect, enjoying playing a game, having a drink, chatting, watching a movie or dancing to music. I don’t believe I’m doing it selfishly or dishonestly…. I have in the past, spent time with people I didn’t really like just to feel loved or wanted, this was a big part of my sexual acting out in 2013, but for the people that matter to me, this is not the case}

When I’m alone, I don’t feel that same love or respect or admiration in myself that others see in me, and that at root I believe is my hole, the source of my loneliness. I think of the Stitches of Time post that I wrote in 2013 and so much of that was me receiving that admiration and love from the outside, trying to fill myself with it, trying to tell myself that I truly am OK, not only as a new woman as I was then, but as a human being. Re reading that post would almost always bring tears to my eyes, I used to believe that they were tears of joy, but I believe now that they were tears of sadness, sadness that I didn’t feel all of this for myself, towards myself.

Loved ones, partners, great friends, they all hold up mirrors to each other, mirrors in which we see ourselves reflected in their eyes, their words, their actions towards us. Sometimes we like what we see, and sometimes we don’t, and both can be a wonderful gift. But ultimately, we need to be able to see the good and the bad within ourselves when we look in our own mirror, both real, and metaphorical. I’ve always been able to see the bad in myself, the faults, my demons and dark shadows, and I do own them, and do my best to both accept and defeat them. Too rarely do I see the beauty, the power, the strength and all of the angels I also have around and within myself. I always count on others to show me those things, and the incredible love I received from Mara flooded me with them, but as I couldn’t fully accept them within myself, I began to need her to see them, and this is also something I must forgive myself for in order to move on.

I’ve always accepted myself as a flawed human being, as broken as the rest of us are, and this gives me humility and the ability to see the good in others and to reach out to them as a healer. I must now do the same with myself, see the good in myself, reach within and heal myself, and accept myself as a beautiful human being, as one with many strengths and incredible aspects, just as I do with the rest of the people I meet. Someone worthwhile of not only the love of others, but love from myself.

And I’m starting to believe, that once I do, then I’ll feel complete.

This is my hole

Time to start filling it

2 Responses to "Healing"

  • Yes, yes, yes! I get this on SO many levels. The ability to see the good and the beauty and the strength within yourself is just as important as the ability to see it in others.

    Without it, it makes being alone so hard and I think you are on the right path.

    I hope you are able to fill that hole quickly and appreciate how wonderful and precious you really are!

    1 Rachel said this (February 15, 2015 at 1:52 am)

  • Thanks darling, working on it!

    2 Dawn said this (February 15, 2015 at 2:07 am)

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