a funny thing happened yesterday….

So after a friends birthday dinner last night we all headed to this dance club / bar (never been to these types of places so I don’t even know how to categorize it) to have a few and do some dancing. It was 90’s night that night, so even though it wasn’t my type of music, at least I should know some of it, and I do enjoy dancing, so what the fuck, let’s go.

The place was actually pretty nice, an old theater, for Montrealers reading this it was La Tulipe which is like a mini-Metropolis. The music wasn’t too loud, the strobe was annoying as hell, but we were there to dance and celebrate our friends 35th so it was all good.

We dump our coats at the coat check, grab and swallow a drink, and hit the dance floor for some time, all going well, enjoying the feeling of letting go and laughing our asses off at the terrible music. At one point birthday girl says it’s time for another drink so we head on back up to the bar. I wasn’t feeling it, so I took a break on a tall stool at an empty table and just sat, enjoying the sight of the douchebags dancing, the kids wondering what this music is and us middle aged folks dancing and yawning at the same time. One crazy guy dancing at a table all on his own and seeming like he is having the time of his life.

So I’m sitting there, with my usual queen pose, back straight, legs crossed at the knees, arms resting lightly on my lap, just looking at the stage, and there’s this dude who is looking at me. I see him out of the corner of my eye and ignore his stare, looking back, I never even wondered if he was trying to “figure me out” or not, he was checking me out, I was just being me, ignoring it and slightly chuckling inside. He gets his nerve and comes up to me, chats with me, asks if my boyfriend is around after I mention to him that I’m here with friends, I tell him no. I let him chat me up, after making him work for it just a little I let him buy me a drink. As he’s at the bar, yet another guy comes by and starts chatting with me, complimenting me (or negging me, not quite sure, I’m new to this) on my pose, how perfect it seems, how I must be planning it. I laugh and accept his compliment, and mention that I’m waiting for a guy to bring me my drink, he thanks me for making that clear and moves on. I laugh out loud, wondering what the hell is going on.

Drink boy comes back, and he is just preening for me, telling me what a great dancer he is, if he can show me, so I grin and uninterestedly let him do so, and hey, he’s not half bad. I felt like he was a peacock showing his feathers, doing his mating dance, cute, and hilarious. He makes me touch his six pack, I do and say “oh goodness”, while cracking up in my head, is this shit really happening?, are guys this sad?. I dance with him, let our bodies rub together, accept his kisses and we make out a bit. The three young girls at the table beside me looking downright pissed. We continue to dance, and he asks if I smoke, and as I do, we pop outside into the freezing cold and share a smoke. We’re standing there, him in front of me, my arm around his waist, and I drop the bomb.

So, you don’t care that I’m trans?

No way you’re trans he replies, he can’t believe it, he stares, he looks downright disappointed.

I laugh.

He sputters, I’m sorry, I just can’t, I’ve tried before, I can’t.

I hand the cigarette back to him, grin, laugh, and say “your loss” and walk with my head held high back into the club.

I head back towards where I see my friends are, waiting for it, waiting for that crushing feeling inside that it finally happened, I had a guy try to pick me up, I told him I was trans, and I was rejected. But it never came, I felt a slight pang in my heart, but it passed quickly, I rejoin my friends and continue in the dance.

I realize now that I’m getting checked out, a lot. I always scan my surroundings, always aware of a possible vector of threat, but I notice guys trying to catch my eye, guys smiling at me. I let them have a slight moment in my gaze, close my eyes, and go back to the dance, laughing inside. A creepy little guy starts dancing too closely to birthday girl and a friend of hers, I see the discomfort in their eyes, I move to him, give him a tap on the chest and simply shake my head at him. He backs off. A guy staring at me grins at this interchange. Again, I laugh inside.

On our way out, walking down the stairs, a guy looks at me beaming as if he’s been looking for me all night, chats with me, an Italian, we share a quick moment, I place my hand on his arm and wish him a good night, he shrugs, wishes me the same and moves on.

Birthday girl says fuck you’re on fire tonight.

I guess I was

I don’t know where it came from, I was quite sober thankfully.

So it finally happened, some undue attention, more in one night than I’ve ever received in my life. Was it validating?, well, yes and no. It validated my looks, and the fact that I do seem to pass, but as I have no idea if the other guys knew I was trans or not, is it really validating?, is it validation if they don’t know my truth?. Either way, I didn’t think about it too much, other than the fact that I finally put myself in a place to face that rejection, and I did, and it was OK.

Not like I had any misgivings about that kid, he wasn’t going to get lucky that night with me regardless of his reply, I was there for a friend, not for myself, and I respect that. But regardless of why the rejection didn’t cut me, the simple fact is that it didn’t.

And that’s pretty fucking cool

And hey, the attention was pretty nice…. but I can see that it would get old fast

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