Yet Again….

So it happened, we broke up.

I guess it was my choice ultimately, in that I could never be happy without resentment or a feeling of always competeing for time in the world that was offered to me, yet she was the one with the strength to say the final words. I could only agree. We did our best to part with love, not with hate, even though that would have made it so much easier.

I hate myself for putting myself through this, I hate the situation, I hate how fulfilled I felt in the beginning and how that was lost, I hate the universe for letting me meet and fall so deeply in love with someone I could never be with, I hate that we are simply not in the same place in our development or our lives to create what we wanted so much, I hate all the things that hurt me and tore me to pieces over the past months.

But I don’t hate her, as angry as I am at certain aspects of her and what happened, I could never hate her.

She gave me so much, brought so much to my life, opened my heart that I had locked down tight. In a different reality, she would have been a wonderful partner, wife, mother, but not this one.

I would always have wanted more time, more of us, and there was always a hard limit on that time. A life scheduled according to her rules. Each moment spent with her meant a moment without, or two without. A life in which I would be alone so often, sleeping alone, waking up alone, knowing everything was always going to be a trade off. Having a weekend to spend together would have been a treat, a rarity, not a common occurance, and would come with the knowledge of a future weekend without, her making sure everything was kept equal.

A part time relationship. A part time life. Taking turns. A situation in which a relationship could never flourish, let alone be given the time to even grow.

Not a life for me, no matter how strongly we felt for each other.

And it’s tearing me up inside. I could barely eat for a few days, couldn’t work the rest of the week, and now instead of working I’m writing, not able to focus on my duties. Always playing the “what if” game.

It all started with such beauty, I felt safe and taken care of, special, I believed that somehow, just somehow, my needs would be met. Then the betrayals started, time together got shorter, we started to hurt each other, the pain and doubt started to overtake everything, the realization that this couldn’t be, for so many reasons, this dark shadow just sitting there.

I lost my sense of safety. I lost my sense of security. I felt thrown to the wolves.

I kept trying to fit my round peg into her square hole, and she kept trying to carve that square hole to fit me, but it couldn’t be.

I kept telling myself that I could modify my needs, ignore parts of my dreams, after all, part of love is sacrifice, but it didn’t work, it never worked. The pain in my soul kept growing as much as my hope and love, then the hope dwindled, and the love became damaged and hid away behind a wall that I put up to keep myself safe, and as much as it wanted to come out, to breathe, to enjoy the air, it was too afraid.

We filled a gaping hole in each others’ souls, and we clung to that, a hole that wasn’t being filled by anyone or anything else, a hole that had been eating at us. We almost destroyed each other trying to hold on.

It’s up to her to discover what her hole is, and how else she can fill it, and I wish her the best in that.

As for me, I’m still not sure, but this hole has always been there for me, sometimes huge and all encompassing, sometimes smaller and easier to ignore. The only thing that has ever filled that hole is true companionship or romantic love, but even when I’m laughing and enjoying time with good friends, I can feel that hole, and it frightens me. Even though I know I’m not alone in any way, I have wonderful friends, I have support that many people only dream of, I still often feel alone, and I’ve always assumed that’s what my hole is. Lonliness.

I had started to work on myself intensly last year, before we met, and I had made progress, real progress, yet the work stopped when we fell in love. Now, it’s time to continue.

I’ve been surrounded by love ever since this happened last week, people have taken care of me, spent time with me. Made me laugh, listened to me rail against the world and held me when I’ve cried. And there have been so many many tears. I’d cry till I couldn’t breathe, till I wanted to just curl up and sleep, yet when I slept my mind would race, thinking of us, of her, of pain and alternate futures.

They’ve helped me see the reason in the situation, how this wasn’t right, wasn’t healthy, that living like this would have been impossible and completely unsatisfying. They’ve reinforced that I did something wonderful in listening to my needs and saying “enough”. They’ve told me that my needs are fine, valid, not ridiculous or excessive, normal even, and that the feelings that I’ve felt during this time are completely legitimate. That I should be angry, that it’s OK to feel hurt, and that I was doing good for myself, a wonderful good, by not continuing. That I’ve been recovering properly, reaching out for help, letting people take care of me, and not hiding in a ball, or in a cloud of green smoke. They’ve told me that they ultimately aren’t worried for me, that I’m a wonderful person and will find love again, but a love that will fit me, that will complement me, that will give me peace and security as I continue to find those very same things within my soul.

And at a rational level, I know they’re right.

But my heart doesn’t feel it yet.

And I guess that’s OK, these things take time.

But the pain, oh lord, the pain, the regret, the anger, the lonliness, the longing to find a way for this to work…. it can be unbearable at times. I want to call her, hold her, cry and laugh with her, find a way for this to be…..

…. but it never will

and at the end of the day, I just want my life back.

And when I’m ready

I’ll feel love again

I have to believe that…..

6 Responses to "Yet Again…."

  • We are here dear!

    1 Mat said this (February 9, 2015 at 9:19 pm)

  • Thank you darling

    2 Dawn said this (February 9, 2015 at 9:46 pm)

  • I’m sorry you’re going through this pain, sweety… <3

    3 Denise said this (February 9, 2015 at 10:56 pm)

  • Thanks beautiful

    4 Dawn said this (February 9, 2015 at 10:59 pm)

  • Thanks for sharing with us Dawn. Tons of hugs.

    5 Gabrielle said this (February 11, 2015 at 8:25 am)

  • Thanks hun, I’ll take the hugs 🙂

    6 Dawn said this (February 11, 2015 at 1:18 pm)

Leave a Reply

Comments RSS Subscribe to the Comments RSS.