My Body

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 19. Well, friend may be stretching it, when I first knew him, I was the guy who was dating the girl that lived across the street, the girl who had been a close family friend and who considered this guy and his partner as surrogate parents. When her and I split up in 2003, I didn’t see them again for years.

Fast forward to last year, the two of us get together to see a concert, wonderful eclectic music that only nerds are into, and we both knew the other was into them from sporadic facebook chats, and he gets to meet the real me. Aside from a few pronoun screwups (that he still goofs on), very comfortable and very accepting, got the kiss-kiss right away which always means a lot to me especially from people that knew the old me for a long time.

He is a photographer, and after seeing my old flickr page, he expressed interest in doing a photoshoot with me, which is a whole other funny story.

As the past couple of years went by, he has offered again here and there, and I always give the same answer, which is yes I’m interested in doing so, but this and but that and I’m not ready yadda yadda yadda.

I deal with a lot of internal …. lets call them issues …. about the fact that my body is different than the majority of women out there. Yes, I do realize that every woman’s body is different and beautiful, and I do have a beautiful body, but …. it’s different. I’m reminded of that fairly often, and it gives me weird dysphoric feelings, sometimes I can wave them away, sometimes it bothers me. I took a burlesque-cardio-dance class last Sunday, and looking at myself in that wall to wall mirror, with all the other women around me, women of all shapes and sizes, I still feel like I stood out, like I was different. I’m still not entirely comfortable with my body to be honest, especially in contrast with the bodies of cis women

There is a thought that has gone through my head from time to time, how i’d like to do a photoshoot, specifically to show my body, as though I’m loudly proclaiming that yes, I’m different, I’m beautiful, and I’m a woman. Even though I still have a penis, that my body is a bit more angular, my shoulders a touch wider, hands a bit bigger….

I want to see my naked body from a talented third eye, this being the photographer. I want to see what I actually look like, imperfections and all. I want to learn my body, examine my body, become more comfortable with my body, see that it truly is beautiful. More than that, I have a pipe dream of displaying these pictures, perhaps at a trans art exhibit, loudly and proudly. I want to make a statement that bodies like mine exist outside of porn, and that they are still beautiful, and valid, and legitimate.

I brought up this idea with my old friend, and he is very happy to do it, he’s done nudes a number of times, and while he’s never had a non-op trans woman to take shots of, he is game. He nervously asked me about if I want to display *that* part of myself, and I said yes, definitely, if it makes sense for my genitalia to be in the picture using that pose, then I don’t want to try and hide what I have, hide what I am. I think he understood as much as a male who has never dealt with female body issues has, but he gets it enough to do it justice.

When I told Mara about my idea, she thought it was wonderful, a powerful experience to have for myself, as well as a powerful possible statement to be made if I even do use those pictures.

So, all that to say, I’m going to be doing an interesting photo shoot in the next couple months. If y’all are lucky, I may even share one


2 Responses to "My Body"

  • Yes something I have thought I would like to do post op,be able to let others see what life is like at,well I was going to say at the end of the journey, but its not it is just the start of what we are all looking for.there are few results to see other than in porn.
    Go for it girl I will be there following you.

    Lots of love to all the Girls,
    Joni xxx

    1 joni sing said this (January 22, 2015 at 7:21 am)

  • Thanks so much Joni 🙂

    2 Dawn said this (January 23, 2015 at 6:04 pm)

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