undue attention

I often hear from my girlfriends how aggravating it can be to be catcalled, to be approached at bars by creepy guys offering them drinks, how they just want to be left alone.

Usually, when I hear them bitching about this stuff, I’m thinking to myself at how much I want this type of attention, or for that matter, any attention from the males of the species. I get what they’re saying, I can totally understand how this type of attention could become demeaning, aggravating, even threatening, but shit, bring it on dammit. Sure I’m dating a woman, I love her deeply, but the vast majority of the time, it’s men that I’m interested in, not women, it’s their attention that I crave. I’m sure being validated as a woman through their advances has a huge part to play in this issue for me internally.

I guess it’s happened a couple of times to me, random roofing guy one day when I went back to my house to check on something chatted me up a bit, complimented me on what a striking and beautiful woman I was, then tried to show himself off talking about his work. There was that cute painter last summer chatting me up a couple times on my way out one day. The drunk Floridian at my favorite watering hole who bought me a drink even after I turned down his offer to hang out with him. And that really slimy guy who gave me the “hey baby, how *you* doin” at the red light a few months back when our cars were next to each other with windows rolled down. I burned rubber to clear myself of that one. And well, there’s that dude that I mentioned in my last cyclical post

But overall, that’s it.

Apart from my girlfriend, who I guess I picked up when we met rather than the opposite, I simply don’t get that attention.

And you know what, I was expecting so much more post transition…. and I’m pretty disappointed.

As a guy I never got that attention, yeah it bugged me a bit, but I never really had trouble finding girlfriends, and the vast majority of men don’t get any form of random attention like that unless they’re one of “those” guys, the hotties, regardless of their personal style.

Back in my crossdresser-posting-on-Flickr days, I would get tons of attention, sure, by fetishists (who I won’t let touch me with a  ten foot pole and I can smell coming a mile away), but the attention was there. Good lord, this is going to be wonderful once I actually start my life as a woman, and the hormones have had their chance to work on me…. I thought….. I hoped.

But overall, nothing, nothing worthwhile at any rate… ok, the painter was downright gorgeous, but we were twenty feet from each other, so of course I assume he clocked me as cis and a lot younger than I actually am… and I didn’t want to find out if I was right or not.

Obviously, I lay all the blame for this on me being trans. Which gets me down, makes me feel othered in situations where maybe I don’t need to feel that way (not discounting all the times I *truly* have been othered, it’s not all in my head), makes me think there is something wrong with me, that I’m not this enough, or that enough, passable enough, pretty enough, feminine enough, approachable enough.

I still love the image I see in the mirror, yet, it seems that there are so few people out there who see me in the same way. Or at least, so few people so that the type of attention that I see so many of my friends getting, is pretty much alien to me.

I’ve talked about this subject with my girl, and with a couple of other friends, and they’ve helped me see things through a somewhat different light.

Yes, the fact that I am somewhat visibly trans is working against me for this stuff, no doubt about it, but what they’ve shown me is that there are so many more factors involved. I’m a woman, not a girl, not some cutesy little thing, I hold myself with power, I’m taller than most, I project an air of strength and confidence, people know they can’t fuck with me, and, unfortunately, probably the biggest factor that I had never thought of, I’m not a kid anymore, I’m hedging closer and closer to the big four-oh, and while I often pass for younger than I am, not that much younger, not the “girl” age (which I’ve been led to understand is 25 and younger)

The guys who do this stuff, hit on random chicks just to get in their pants, catcall, give undue and unasked for attention, for the most part, are creeps. They are scared little boys, children floundering for attention of their own, weak predators who will go after prey that they see as attainable, and when they see me, tall, strong, proud, they are scared, even if they have no clue about my history. I’m not their target.

Some of my girls call this my asshole filter, and many of them who have had to deal with this crap are actually quite jealous of me, as I’m jealous of them, whereas my “non-socially-acceptably-attractive-friends” are jealous of my looks, and when they say so or make this obvious, I’m always ready to trade them my transness for their bodies, figuring it’s the absolute worst thing that any woman can be….. not entirely a woman.

But I gotta remind myself, I’ve had a number of new partners over the past year and a half, at least half of which are quality people, and while dating them didn’t always work they would have been happy to if we had had that spark. I had a wonderful boyfriend at the beginning of the year (oops, last year!), I’ve got an absolutely incredible girlfriend who I’ve been with for almost 5 months now who not only loves me deeply, but desires me in a way I’ve never felt before. I’m not doing that bad in reality. Yes being trans makes things tougher, but so does any of the huge number of things that make all women unique in their own way, after all, each characteristic can be a double edged sword.

And like many of my girls have said to me….. welcome to the club dear….. you’re a woman now…. deal with it

2 Responses to "undue attention"

  • It’s hard to find experienced people on this topic,
    but you seem like you know what you’re talking about!

    1 google alerts created email verification said this (April 30, 2015 at 10:51 am)

  • Everything is very open with a very clear explanation of the issues.
    It was truly informative. Your website is useful.
    Thanks for sharing!

    2 use google keyword tool said this (May 9, 2015 at 10:26 am)

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