Cyclical meanderings….. part 8….. Dating

As I happen to be in a poly relationship, in love with a woman who is legally married, of course the idea of dating other people is on my mind. Furthermore, this is something that my girlfriend is actively encouraging me to do, I’m still not very comfortable with the whole concept of poly, and she is hoping, as am I, that actually experiencing casual dating while still loving your partner and building a future with them will help me understand and become more comfortable with these strange and mysterious ways.

Here’s the thing though, I’m 37 and I’ve never casually dated anyone. Yes I have my “lover”, with whom there was never anything serious, but considering how often he is in town, I’ve never thought of ever having had dated him, and more than that, now that I’m in this relationship, I don’t really feel comfortable being sexual with him anymore. Which is odd, because when I had an experience with him and my ex boyfriend, it was absolutely wonderful, and I was ready to be with him without the boyfriend as well, but now?, no, the thought of it brings me enormous amounts of anxiety. Haven’t quite figured out why yet….

The idea of building a family, creating that bedrock of companionship, support, love, the roots that future generations can spring from, has always been on my mind, as long as I can remember. It really is a huge driving force in my life, to create something that I never felt that I had, or even have to this day. So way back then, when I started dating at the age of 13, I would never be interested in anyone that didn’t have the potential of being a long term, full time partner, future mother of my children. Due to this, the idea of casual dating has always felt like a waste of time, emotional time that could be spent finding that person, that special connection, or time better spent with close friends or working on one’s self.

I spent quite some time last year and into this one sleeping around, and while I had a few fun times here and there, it never once truly fulfilled that need in me that is fulfilled through sex with a loved one, with a partner. My experiences kind of strengthened my distaste for casual dating.

Yet I still have this gnawing feeling that I have to do it, for us.

So on one hand I don’t want to but feel that I should, yet, completely contradictory to these feelings, there is someone that I do want to have more in my life, both on a friendly level as I love spending time with him, our shared love of music, being goofs, our easy connection, but I also want something more with him, although I have trouble defining what that more actually is. Our flirting gets more and more prevalent each time we see each other, I tell myself that there must be some type of interest from him towards me, yet I’m still really afraid of being rejected, that I’ve been misreading everything between us over the past number of months, that everyone has misread everything between us, I’ve been told on a few occasions that it’s obvious we’re into each other, yet no one has taken any step. I’d be able to handle being rejected due to the fact that I’m with Mara, and he can’t be part of something like that, he’s already voiced his feelings on open relationships and that they are not something that would ever interest him, and I can respect that….. no….. I’m afraid to be rejected for what I am.

I’ve been incredibly insecure lately about what I am, how the world sees me, and having that type of rejection from someone who is already a special person in your life, yeah, I don’t think I’d ever be able to see him again, have him in my life anymore, a constant reminder that yet someone else doesn’t see me as an actual woman, and I like having him in my life, even though we don’t see each other that much.

So while dating him would be safe, it would have to remain casual, as I don’t see any possible long term life building with him right now, the risk of losing him, the risk of rejection, I still don’t know if it’s worth it. One of those things I’m going to play by ear next time we see each other, or the next, or the next, either it’ll happen one day, or he’ll stop taking up that place in my mind and these worries will go away….

The other obvious avenue of course to find casual dating partners is online, but let me tell you the experiences I’ve had so far with online dating as a trans woman. I would get a message every week or two calling me fake, calling me a man, a liar, that I’m trying to trick people into believing that I’m a woman and that it’s disgusting. Sure these messages are coming from real assholes, not people I’d ever have in my life to begin with, but it’s not that easy to shake off. I chatted with a few guys that after a while simply disappeared, no responses, no meetings, lots of lovely words then they pull a disappearing act. I’ve been stood up three times. I’ve been asked about if my breasts are real and about my genitals as a first message, on more than one occasion, and when I call these fuckers out on it they get pissed at me for daring to find their words offensive. I’ve been insulted, I’ve been led on, I’ve been bullshitted, and throughout all of that abuse, in over a year of trying, I got a grand total of four fucking dates.

Yeah, I really want to go back into that cesspool of humanity…..

I’ve gone to sexually charged parties and events, including queer ones, and aside from the one where I met Mara, I’ve felt like I didn’t exist. Never hit on, ignored in all forms of sexual contact or interest, or worse, treated like one of the dudes. I look in the mirror and I often, when I’m not down on myself, see a stunningly beautiful woman, yet it’s obvious that the world doesn’t see this, and I’m a little fed up of being reminded of it.

I ended up making out with one woman at a friends party a couple months ago, still not sure how it started, yet when she felt me…. swelling…. against her, she started questioning my gender. She knew I am trans, fucking hell, she’s slept with a non-op trans woman before, yet I still felt I had to defend my gender, what I am. Asking her if it felt like she was making out with a guy (not at all), if my body felt feminine (yes absolutely), then what is the goddamn problem?. Fuck…..

I’ve been offered a drink in a bar a grand total of once, and he was absolutely wasted, and it would have meant that I’d have to have a really uncomfortable talk with him before allowing him to buy me a second (you realize I’m trans, I happen to still have my original plumbing….). Pretty much takes the fun out of dating for me, makes every encounter a potential reminder that I’m not what I feel I am, even a possibly dangerous encounter, pain around every corner.

But I need to do this

But I don’t want to, unless I do, which I don’t understand.

Am I simply monogamous?, is this programming or truth for me?, can I not handle it due to my own insecurities?, will this be good for me or make things worse?

I feel I have no choice but to do this…. and it’s so…. fucking…. scary….


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