houses and rings……

Kind of a followup, a part 2, to two other unrelated posts.

Please note this occurred last weekend, before my anxiety shitfest

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It happened, I’m still unsure as to why, I’ve been trying to process it but my mind often wanders off in over analysis, twisty paths, and I forget the point of what I was trying to get to.

I’ll start from the beginning

Still having trouble selling the house, so we decide to fix up the basement, the room that we fear is turning people off. Half of a 20 year old carpet directly on the foundation, torn at one edge, old and ugly, stained, gross. If the room had furniture in it, maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad, but we work with what we have don’t we?

Mara and I return to the house, and I’m tense, I don’t know how I’ll feel while being there. Our first visit, over a month ago now, tore at me, made me see how stuck in the past I still was, the mail that had piled up for Becca hurt me deeply, being in that place, standing within his story, no longer being a part of it or even wanting it, but feeling it leak out of the pores of the house and smothering me…. it was a lot to take

We pick up our supplies at the hardware store, and while tense, I’m greatly enjoying myself. I’ve been through these actions before with past loves, and again, this time it felt different, everything feels different with her, more…. real…. is it her or is it me?, I think the truth is somewhere in the middle

We pull into the driveway. Enter the house. Bring the supplies into the basement and get to work.

We kiss and hug each other often

and I realize that I’m feeling pretty good, the weight that I had felt last time I was there wasn’t as prevalent, in fact, I didn’t notice it most of the time, a twinge here and there, but other than that, it’s just a house, one that needs work, and we’re doing it.

after yet another run to get missing supplies, I check the mailbox, junk, flyers, but finally, nothing for Becca

I smile, and I give her thanks

We take a beer break, sitting on the front porch. I look out over his old world, feeling the feels, seeing how distant it all is to me now. What I’m feeling inside is simply calm, knowledge that the work is worth it, and a deep love for the woman sitting by my side.

we connect, we open up, show our souls to each other. This is not new for us, our love is …. somewhat …. unique …. the type that hits you like a truck, and not just once in a while, or when you first meet, but this truck, it seems to hit us fairly often, even now, a couple months in.

the energy in the space changes

something inside me changes

and I’m still not sure what

I look down, my heart is heavy, I feel tears behind my eyes struggling to be released. She places an arm around my shoulder, her hand resting on my neck, she sees something has occurred, I see the concern in her eyes. She asks me, what just happened?, are you OK?

I don’t reply

unknown to her, I’m removing my ring

I say yes, something has happened, and I hold up the ring to show her, the ring that is no longer on my finger

she doesn’t know what to say, neither do I, and the tears slide down my face, not tears of sadness, or even happiness, just emotion, raw and unfettered

I hold the ring between my fingers, looking at it as though it’s the first time I’ve done so….

I kiss it gently

and I thank the one that gave it to me

she pulls my body against hers and holds me, and I allow myself to be held

and a part of me lets go, of the past, of that story, of Becca

the house becomes just that, a house. We put our love into it, we shift the energy of the place, I firmly believe that places hold specific energies of the past within, and now, we take a step towards banishing the old, replacing it with the new

we do more work, we sit in the front and drink and talk, dreams of our future, we’ve started making promises to each other, using words like forever, always, we chat with our neighbor, we revel in the love we share, bringing light into such a dark place

then we are done what we can for the day, with plans to return soon to finish the work

and it was a beautiful day

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I still hold guilt towards what she went through with me, and maybe I always will. I still have a penance to pay. Amazingly, Mara helped me through that as well and guided me in finding what I must do, and I will

 


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