Meaningless sex….

bear with me, no fucking clue where I’m going with this one….

and for the prudish out there, you’re probably going to want to skip this….

I connected with my first lover just a few days before I had my first real day with my ex, slept with two new people in the span of five days, something very new for me coming from a life of monogamy and long term relationships. I even had an experience with both of them one night halfway through the relationship, and it was amazing, not to mention the two more hours of great sex when my ex and I got back to his place, spurred by the lust that had pervaded the evening.

Taking on lovers while in a relationship can truly be a beautiful thing, hope I get to experience again at one point

I picked up another one two days after getting dumped, opened the door to a friend who I knew was interested in me, I was correct, and the tantric experience occurred.

The week after, at a birthday party, I pick up a cute queer couple (both boys) and have played with one so far with a date set for the two of them soon. Met another couple (boy/girl this time) who want to explore.

The week after had a threesome with my first lover and another girlfriend of his

Chatting on OKC with another two potentials

a good female friend and I keep meaning to explore but circumstances keep fucking it up

Spending a lot of time talking with a great guy online who lives 3000km away, if he were here, he would join the ranks… or maybe be brought to the front of the ranks, impossible to say, but it’s something I think of….

all wonderful experiences to be certain, and I’m looking forward to repeating them and furthering all of these explorations

and while I am enjoying myself

I do feel empty sometimes about it all, almost ambivalent….. I’m finally exploring sexuality like I should have twenty years ago, which is a great thing, but it does fixate in my mind what I don’t have…. a steady partner…. someone to cuddle with all the time, as opposed to from time to time

also, the fact that I can find friends with benefits fairly easily also reminds me that finding an actual date is not the same thing….. in reality…. I’ve only had one real date since transition which was with my ex, and which turned into a real relationship almost immediately….. I also haven’t been turning people down either

dating while trans….. ugh

so what am I getting from my lovers?, what needs are being met?, or what is it all distracting me from?….. how healthy is it?

why do I often leave a session with a feeling of missing out on something

what am I really searching for?

the sex is always great, while we’re playing, no matter what the play happens to be, I am *into* it, I’m not distracted, I’m loving it. It’s on the way home afterwards where that feeling of being left wanting creeps in, as if this isn’t really what I want…. I do want it, but it’s like its missing the mark somewhere…..

prior to this year I’ve only had sex with people I loved, and who loved me in return, so there is a definite connection in my soul between physical intimacy and love. The aforementioned threesome with my ex was incredibly satisfying, the most satisfying out of any of my dalliances, probably because my needs for love were already taken care of, and I had satisfied my need for exploration.

but now, even if its with someone that I do genuinely care about and feel comfortable with, that need for love is not being satisfied, I still have that hole in me looking to be filled….. and since I never take as a lover someone who I could actually see myself dating seriously…. there is no chance of that hole being filled with these people who I occasionally share my (and their) bed with.

I’ve written already on that hole, and how I believe that you need to be able to fill that hole with love for yourself, you can’t depend on someone else to do it….

was I wrong?, is it possible to give yourself that?, or am I just in a darker place right now than I was then, it does feel that way, so much going on and I’m stressing out over my life and all the choices I need to be making right now (job, future, money, etc) and I am falling into a procrastination routine, getting scared…

all I know is that when that hole is filled, anything is possible and things are worth fighting for, when it is empty, nothing seems truly worthwhile, as if everything is a distraction

and he is still invading my thoughts non stop, almost like it’s getting worse instead of better…. fucking hell….

but it’s human to want to be loved, to want to be wanted, to want to have that special someone who you can let into your heart completely, and they can let you into theirs…. does it have to be about filling some need that you are *supposed* to be able to fill yourself?, can someone really fill that themselves?

more thought…. and more meaningless sex…. is required

I’ve confused myself

 


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