The Future

is almost here

house needs to be up on the market in 5 weeks time, some work to do on it, nothing dreadful thankfully

the condo needs to be tweaked, a few fixes, lots of paint, some shelving and storage

a few things to buy, a lot to sell

……

I’ve moved a number of times since I’ve been on my own, and there have been a number of things that I’ve been lugging with me for almost fifteen years now. Memories, movies (couple hundred), books (even more), old gaming systems (why???), all things that I used to define myself by. I won’t be able to bring most of it with me this time

and I’m really OK with that… all I feel I need are my clothes, hoops and staves, instruments, and music. The only reason I even need the Xbox is for Rocksmith which is really helping me re-learn the bass and guitar, but even that will lose its necessity soon.

OK or not, it’s still scary

I’ll have a decent chunk of change in my pocket, and a very cheap place to live in for at least a year, and for the first time in my life I’ll have no debt, no *need* to maintain my type of income. If I had two years in the condo, I would probably be able to live there without working for that whole period of time

and this gives me a new freedom in my life which I’ve never had before, the freedom to actually do what I want

exhilarating, and terrifying at the same time

……..

I’ve never been paid well at the company that I work, yes the work is interesting and I learn a lot, but comparatively the pay sucks. I got fed up this year, and threatened HR with a pay-me-more-NOW-or-lose-me, still waiting to hear if anything will be done about that or if I’m just going to be ignored again, but even if they give me what I want, bump my pay by 15%, maybe a new title, is that what I really want?…. will it magically make me happy here?

I know that I don’t want to be in this building for the next thirty years, doing the same stuff, putting up with the same shit. For a while now, I’ve had the same thought about my entire industry (engineering by the way). We don’t really do anything useful except for making old rich white men richer.

So if they give me what I’m demanding, will I even bother staying?, maybe a few extra months to rack up some more coin, but that means missing my summer, and the thought of having a summer off, oh my, what a wonderful thought….

am I just going to walk away?, from here, from the entire industry?, flush my degree down the toilet?

do I have the strength to do it, and actually go after something I want?

but what do I want?

that’s always a tricky one….

…….

People ask me why do I want to leave the industry.

At the root of it, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything useful or meaningful with my life, and as I age, this is becoming more and more important. Sometimes I get that satisfaction that I crave by helping others deal with issues, by putting on my healer mantle, listening to people in need, guiding them to new possibilities, new perceptions of their situation, but the next day I’m back in a cubicle farm, feeling stifled, feeling held back.

I never look forward to going to work…. ever…. and that sucks…. getting up each day to go in is a chore…. I skip out early often out of sheer boredom or frustration….. which means that I have to make up hours on the weekend which just means that I spend less of my time doing what I want. I’m not motivated enough to even do my eight hours, and as a punishment I have to force that same motivation on days when I’m supposed to be taking care of myself, which makes everything even shittier.

Ugh…..

…….

If I become a therapist, or social worker, or whatever, will I be able to easily get up in the morning looking forward to doing what I’m being paid to do?. That is a huge question that is on my mind.

If I jump in with both feet, will it be worth it in the long run?, or will I end up in the same place that I am now?, always bored, looking for something new, looking for a distraction….

Is the problem really what I do?, or is it this environment that I’ve been stagnating in for thirteen years? (not like the company I worked at as an intern during University was any better), or is it my perception of things?.

Every now and then I do enjoy my work, and I leave the building feeling satisfied, but it’s always due to overcoming some huge obstacle, fixing some nefarious bug that has been causing us problems. It makes me feel like I’ve spent my time productively…. am I chasing a pipe dream wanting that feeling every day?…. am I being greedy?

but even the day after that I have a good day, I still don’t want to get up. The only time that I feel driven for an extended period of time is when I’m in the field, because out there *everything* that I do is useful, is appreciated, and of course, being and working somewhere strange is one hell of a distraction…. but after a couple weeks of being out there, it starts to lose its magic, lose its appeal, and I just long to leave….

I’m very worried that after a few weeks of being a therapist I’ll start to feel the same way…. after dumping my old life, my old degree, my old home…. sure I could get back into the engineering game, but finding a good job in this world as a trans woman?…. not really looking forward to trying that

……

I tell myself that I had the same fears when I decided to transition, and this type of life change that I’m contemplating now is just as big of a transition. I was scared that Dawn would be just as miserable as he was, that I would come to the conclusion that changing genders wasn’t what I actually needed….

thankfully, in that regard, I have nothing to regret…. a scary plunge for sure, but one that I know was the right thing to do….

and I’m one of those people that isn’t 100% sure of anything at all, this is probably the only decision that I’ve made in my life which I have no doubt about….

fear is holding me back here, lack of that constant paycheck, loss of private medical insurance, but its not like I’ll be destitute or anything, just I’ll have to be careful, and not sit there and let life go by, I need to get up and go after something, anything, either becoming a therapist, or upping my skills and knowledge in the game that I’m already in…. something else I’ve never really done, which is going to make finding a new engineering job for this trans woman even tougher

I’ll need a job at one point

…….

What to do….. ?

……

What do I want?

 


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