Parallels….

Synchronicity made all the connections…. but is there such a thing even?…. is it simply the human urge to find patterns out of chaos in the end?…. maybe, but does that make it less real?, ultimately we create our realities in which we exist.

When I broke up with Becca I still wanted to maintain a connection, a possible friendship.

When he broke up with me, he claimed the same thing

She could not, would not, was not able to

Neither was I, or should I say, am I; In fact, last week while talking with the one mutual friend we have (the one who started it all), when this was brought up, I cried, something I hadn’t done for a good couple weeks at that point. It surprised me.

At the time when I was trying to maintain a contact with her, I didn’t realize how much those attempts hurt her, and why she needed to break all little lines of contact, FB, android games, etc

Yet now I understand, as I had to do the same thing, and I felt the hurt at the attempts put towards me

I still maintain guilt over what Becca went through… from what I understand he feels sorry and guilty for the hurt that I’m going through….

I saw our split as necessary, transition or not, she did not, even though she is the one who ended it in reality, if I hadn’t started my meds she would have hung on, even though I knew it wasn’t the right fit for me, old me, or new me…. he realized the same thing

A couple weeks ago, the Saturday after my break up, on the way to see a buddy, Becca and I crossed paths…. well…. drove by each other. But as I along with a family of four with two little ones were blocking the road, she was pulled over waiting to pass, and saw me far before I noticed her. As we drove past each other, I looked at her, she kept her eyes straight on the road. She looked the same way she did the last time I saw her, on D day, stone faced, pained, hurt in her eyes. My guilt returned, sadness for her, for what I ‘did’ to her. She has to let go of all of that to be able to really move on.

While exploring my new neighborhood today, walking on St Denis, I see him up ahead of me, coming towards me. I can never be 100% certain that it was him, it’s cold, everyone is bundled up, I haven’t seen him shaved since the end of December, and he was wearing sunglasses, but I’m so sure it was. The jacket, the glasses, brown cords, satchel, ambling gait, hunched over, all right for him, and once I made the decision that yes, this was him, I just put my eyes to the sidewalk in front of me and kept going. I don’t know if he looked at me, or turned towards me, after that decision, I never actually saw him again, I just heard him pass and knew that I could lift my head. I wanted to turn back and look, to make sure, to see him once again, but I didn’t. I kept going. This was my neighborhood now.

And as I walked, I decided to visit my tree and see how long it would take me to get to my new place from there. So I did. And walking down Mont Royal, a street that prior to dating him, I had walked maybe three times in the past 20 years, I began to make it my own. I had walked this street with him, or because I was at his place while he was out, countless times, and in my heart it had become our area, the park was mine, but this corner, this chunk of the city, was ours. Today I began to smile as I walked it, spent some time in a used CD store and picked up four albums surprisingly (I never find anything in these places usually), made that place mine, turned his corner heading towards the park, and remembered all the times I had gotten smokes at the dep on his corner, and how on the other corner is the closest branch of my bank so I’ll be going there often, and I smiled. I got to my tree and instead of resting against it like I had planned, I took pictures, finding different angles to show different aspects of my tree, here and there, it was fun. I timed my walk back, somewhat apprehensive at the idea of running into him again, but it didn’t happen, and it turns out it took me 19 minutes to get one block away from the condo. Not bad, I’ll be getting my exercise this year, and I need a non leather purse so I don’t have to care about that when I walk back in the rain.

So the neighborhood that was ours, will slowly, day by day, walk by walk, become simply mine. Sure it’s his as well, and will remain to be so until the day he moves away, but it’s mine as well.

While this neighborhood that I currently am living in isn’t Becca’s, in that she doesn’t live here, it was definitely ours. By the time I had bought the house, Becca and I were serious, and for me it was almost ours the entire time that I’ve been here minus the past year. Since her cousins still live across the street and I don’t see moving any time soon, she will continue to spend time here. I hope she can remove me from the equation of this neighborhood, so it’s just her cousins place, not my old place, or our old place.

What I’ve gone through due to my ex, has been awful, and can still be difficult, yet it was a short and passionate relationship. I can only imagine what Becca is going through, or hopefully, has completed going through

I got it from both directions, and it sucks, but you know what, it’s not going to hold me back anymore

Love is worth it

 


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