I met my Dad

I tried to tell him in person that I was trans during christmas evening 2012, I never see him very often or regularly, and it had been on my mind for a while, especially that I was quite sure transition was a sure thing at that point, and I knew he had to be told before I showed up at his girlfriends place wearing makeup, but I choked, couldn’t do it.

So I outed myself to him electronically a week or three later, in Jan 2013, and while I don’t have the email anymore, I remember writing that yes, transition was certain, I just wasn’t sure when it would start. After a quick back and forth, he pretty much threw his hands up and said “I want nothing to do with you anymore”

great….

My transition began, my marriage ended, and during last year I sent him two emails, one in July after my social transition had occurred, and one a few months later, mid September I think, just keeping him up to date with where I was in life, how I was doing, and the freedom that I now felt. The first went completely unanswered, the second, answered poorly and maliciously.

I heard through the grapevine that if his girlfriend, or my sister, tried to talk to him about me, he would shut down, become an asshole, give people the silent treatment. Lashing out.

not the actions of someone that is angry…. but afraid

He owns a condo that my sister had been living in for the past … shit… almost ten years I guess?. She recently moved across the country, and as I’m about to put my house on the market, I’ll need a place to stay. Long story short, through words transmitted through his girlfriend, he again ignored the words in an email I sent him at the same time, and offered me the place to stay. Another quick back and forth and I accepted.

which of course means I’ll meet him…. kind of a long way around for this happen, but whatever, I’ll take it

so it happened

first look was somewhat surprised, incredulous, not in a bad way, just a “goddamn, well look at that, sheesh”. Idle chitchat was the name of the evening, I mentioned aspects of my transition from time to time, and while I was more talking to her, he listened attentively, he screwed up my name and pronouns most of the time, but usually remembered to correct himself (on the name at least, pronouns take longer with parents), so I can’t really complain about that. All in all though, who I now was was not quite the elephant in the room, as there didn’t feel to be much tension, but at the same time, my new gender wasn’t really mentioned.

the drinks kept pouring, more him than me, a levee was cracking

while discussing the ability to see a problem rationally, and talk to yourself about it, in order to solve serious problems, I reminded him of his inability to do so with me. It had been since Christmas 2012 since we had seen each other last, and within moments, the flood gates opened

What was said is private

just know it was good

I, in all honesty, don’t recall the last time he told me he loved me or even hugged me. Both occurred many many times last night.

and it felt good

I have a dad again

and I just really cried about this for the first time, I knew it had to sink in a bit

love to all

 


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