dreams

I dreamed about you last night, first time in a long time that happened.

I was me, not him, and you looked at me.

you saw me, something you haven’t done in months.

and I saw you, and you were beautiful as you’ve always been, and always will be

I got to spend time with my old family, see the children and hold them, watch them play, spend time with my old brother, hold my old sister in my arms, my old parents smiling

as it was a dream, events were muddled, as is standard. I kissed someone, a woman, not you, but a memory of you, an image, an avatar

I got to see you laugh, and smile…. I hope you still do these days…. I hope the days are brighter for you

stuck in memories today, the beach, the white dress, the gatherings, your laugh

sometimes I wish we could go back, even though I know the same thing would happen at one point, I was inevitable…. useless fantasies… grasping at illusions

I long to reach out, but I mustn’t

I’ve been here before, I know what needs to be done, what needs to continue happening…. sometimes though…. I want to break the rules

something I’m quite used to doing…. breaking the rules

I play guitar and think of us, I play our song, no one knows that it is such, but I consider it to be, and I play it well, and remember, and suffer, and try to detach while a part of me still holds on, and wonders

the view from the kitchen window never changes

I need to change the window

I need to leave

I’ve rebooted in so many ways, but not all

I’ll always miss you

 


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