an excercise

I walk into the room as she does. We sit across from each other.

– so, what’s up?. Been a little silent lately?

She fingers the pendant hanging at the end of the cheap gold chain. A wooden teardrop. She loves that thing

– life’s slowed down. I dunno…… the cold is setting in ya know?. Everything slows down, life, thoughts, the world.

– but still…

– I know… shut up.

She thinks for a while

– the honeymoon is over you know?, life continues, a different life sure, but the same in so many ways. Especially being out in the middle of nowhere, when I’m out and about, I’m good, but I’ve been spending more time alone, separated. You get caught up in your own thoughts, and well, I do have a tendency to spiral one way or another don’t I?

We grin

– I do love where I am, oh god do I. If I wasn’t where I was now, with the same upheavals that happened this year, if I wasn’t who I now was…. I wouldn’t have made it. What happened was inevitable, the separation, just a matter of time. as was my evolution. But as I said, the honeymoon is over, I’m less distracted, and the view from my kitchen window hasn’t changed….

– But here’s the thing. And I’m already doing it while talking to you, I’m being cryptic, I’m holding back. People read, this whole experiment became… successful?, I’m not sure how to take it. There are things I want to discuss, but I don’t know the ears that will hear, and because of that…..

– yeah, I get it

– and it’s not even that many ears that I’m worried about. A certain few. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, but I need to talk. Although at this point, if they’re still listening… well… shit. So yeah….

– see, a lot of good stuff has continued happening, new connections made, an appointment for my first piece of skin art, the frame of the piece I described a while back. Guess I just don’t feel the same urge to talk about it…. it’s just life isn’t it?, this whole thing was never to just blah blah blah about my daily shit, it was to explore my evolution, my spiraling thoughts, and it worked for that…. but I still need to talk… and I do that through my words, I guess I’m floundering as to what to talk about… other than the type of stuff I’ve already alluded to

– well… what are you alluding to then?

She fidgets again

– sex sex sex sex sex…. hehehehehehe. There are so many changes that occur due to hormones in your nervous, and sexual system, it’s just mindblowing.

– ya don’t say

– Oh I do!, ha!. I’m not going to get into it right now, I will soon, fair warning for those listening, but there is another subject that I’ve been avoiding as well.

– oh?

– yeah… feelings… I realized that I had developed some pretty strong feelings for someone over this year, and they may still be listening, and while I’m sure they, in a way, know… cause… well… things work out that way… often… with me…. ughhhhhh. Anyways, I dealt with it myself, wanted to talk about it, meant to talk about it with them, never did, but things changed on their own, things are different… so well… I just….

– held back…

– yeah. And all of this holding back, coupled with the environmentally and financially based self isolation (i.e., its cold and I’m broke), I think it’s been taking its toll, mentally and physically on me. Back has been acting up for the past 2 months almost now… ever since the housewarming… it just released last Wednesday, just as I was finally pulling myself out of my funk

– good!, well, ok, sucks that it took so long but still… it’s on the mend

– for the time being, I’m not holding my breath though. Adjusted my routine, improving eating habits and excercises, and well, I’m somewhat distracted again…

– with?

– as luck would have it, right after my back started feeling better, a very interesting woman contacted me out of the blue, great connection via mail, met a couple times, very comfortable, all very casual, both not interested in monogamy or traditional relationships… it’ll be an interesting experience, that’s for sure.

– very cool

– yeah, see, that’s one thing I won’t really talk about, aside from mentioning it, specifics of a new person.

– of course

– events together, experiences, as I’ve always done yeah. Anyway, see, just mentioning that, I’m paranoid about the ears, but hey, we all gotta move on

I just notice now that it’s been a little while since she stopped fidgeting

– feel better?

– yeah, I guess… oh…. another thing I’ve held back on

– what’s that?

– boobs

– pardon?

– you heard me… boobs!

– I have them, and it’s fucking wonderful!.

– ya don’t say…..

– heheheheh… I feel like what a teen / tween must feel like when this is usually happening to them… every morning in the mirror, checking to see if they’ve grown, obsessing…

– okaaaaay….

– oh shut up, I’m allowed to be happy, ha!. I even finally bought real bra’s, fill an A cup, yay!

– ok, enough

– hahahahahahahahhahaha…. yeah… see?… I do feel a little silly but… fuck it… boobs!

we look at each other… laughing

– yeah, I guess I do feel better. Thanks

– anytime

I get up from the mirror


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