Cyclical Meanderings…. pt. 3

I’ve been wanting to write for two days now, but too much is jumbling up in there to get out any coherent thoughts. So I’ll just start typing, see where it leads me

I took a trip in the rain, thought it would wash me away, return me to my past, strip her from me, yet, after fear, regret, panic, it passed, like it always does. We should all remember that, dark times always pass.

A golden haired healer took my hand in hers and calmed my soul. After the panic had passed, and I bared that small, scared part of me, her eyes showed only love and acceptance. The bearded one with the lion’s mane always present, worrying without letting me see, supporting me as he has always done.

A part of me broke, and was reshaped. There is a lot more breaking and shaping to be done, that is certain. But the thing to remember is that the rain didn’t wash me away, sitting in a towel and a tshirt, soaked from a true torrent, I was still me, even more so. I was shocked when I realized it. The fear melted

I danced

I step back from the keyboard as a wave of emotion rocks me on my heels

At the end of the trip, before we all slept, I cleaned, and removed the remainder of the sludge from my face. And looked in the mirror. and still saw him.

so I walked out of the bathroom and approached the healer. stood there for a moment, coughed, got her attention. she looked into my eyes the same way she always had, so I motioned to my face, but all she saw was Dawn. The healer, a sister, only sees me.

we sleep badly and I depart, a new woman in some ways

I agreed to go to an event this coming weekend, the type of non stop massive organized zen music yoga I’m-not-entirely-sure party out in the woods event. The type of thing I’ve always wanted to attend, yet always talked my way out of. the same fear settles in, and I look for ways out. but, like the discussion with my therapist showed, this is an opportunity.

it scares me, yet I can’t truly explain why.

but I’m gonna do it, goddamn it, I’m gonna do it

and I won’t give the responsibility to take care of me to the healer, who I’ll be going with. This is my time, explore, experience, share, not follow, search, hunt, play. Chill

heal

grow

learn

during the trip, the healer said to me that she feels that no matter what she attempts, she cannot fail. I said to her, don’t worry about failing, don’t worry about succeeding, just do, just be

it’s good advice

and as usual, the advice you give is the advice you should be following

 


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