Strength

Bear with me, drunk again, heheheh, only 3 martini’s, it doesn’t take me much

Strength

Before I headed out tonite, I made an account on POF, a clearly “I am not looking for anything serious, just to meet new people, and oh, by the way, I’M A TRANSSEXUAL AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF HER TRANSITION!” account….

I didn’t even finish the initial questionnaire before heading out for drinks with a couple guys that I’m travelling with

yet by the time I got back, only 90 minutes later, I already had 6 emails waiting for me…. seriously?… weird, I didn’t expect that….

I had even posted on a G+ group that I’m a part of, how the thought of never being able to find anyone interested in me due to my trans status is terrifying, before I had left.

I know that these emails mean fuck all, but at the same time, cool, it’s pretty cool that a couple of guys responded to my ad…..

Now, where does STRENGTH come in you ask?

What if I meet one of these people, and we get along, and we enjoy each other sexually…. I will need STRENGTH to know that they are right for me, whether or not we get along, and whether or not they accept me fully….. after all, Becca and I got along great, even though we should have been able to see a while ago that we weren’t right for each other….

so much of my vision is clouded by someone accepting me… it was a feeling I had never really known before

so now….

OK, I just reread this for a bit, wondering where I was going….

and yeah

see

the reason that someone accepting me affects me so much, is that I didn’t, and maybe to some extent, still don’t, actually accept myself

could that be?…. shit, I have had massive changes in my system already, I know the drugs are doing something serious (wonderful) to my system…. could I still not accept myself?

let’s face it, I could have put my face on quick quick after working this week… but I didn’t…. I used the excuse of being in an unfamiliar place, that the local gay bar is in a ghetto, etc etc etc etc etc

but in reality?…. bullshit…. I’ve been to new places presenting full femme before, and it was OK

so yeah….. STRENGTH

accept myself, I must, at all times, and I must love myself, warts, unfeminine hair issues and all….. I must accept myself and love myself fully, before ANYONE can be allowed in

or else I’ll use their feelings for me as a substitute for how I feel about myself….. like I’ve always done….. and when that person becomes upset with me (which of course is natural, as no one can go a lifetime without being upset with their partner, its simply not….. human), I would break down, because I had no real feelings for myself, and I counted upon them 110% to tell me how to feel.

wow, how fucked up is that?

DAWN,  you dumb bitch…. LOVE THYSELF

you told two 50+ year old men about you this week, did anything change?, no. And tonight, I was my femmy self, body language, voice, everything was ME, and one of the dudes at the table (who I’ve known for 12 years) doesn’t even know about me (cause he’s kind of a homophobe), and yet, I WAS ME

felt good

STRENGTH

I wonder what I’ll think of this post tomorrow… time to pass out, muah!!!!!!!!


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