Living, learning, growing…… being

So I got invited to a birthday party for one of Chucky’s good friends by the lovely Andrea. The birthday girl is the one who I re-met a couple weeks when I hung out with them on Easter.

I ask about the crowd, who is going to be there, cause I know a lot of that circle of people are super cool open circus / acrobatics / artists folk, who while they may not know any other trans people, they aren’t the kind to judge.

I get told “um, like, accountants, financial people, her family, some europeans she met randomly”

gulp

okaaayy, nerves settle in a little bit.

I ask Chuck, via facebook chat which was how were having this conversation, how do you think I should present?, full femme?, au naturel like I did the weekend before?

the little bugger skirts the question…. I press again…. he just says to stop being a wuss about it, and just be me…. he says it with love of course and I know that…. and he’s right

I had sheepishly sent Andrea the same question earlier in the day also via FB, she never answered….

but in the end, Chucky’s response, and Andrea’s non-answer was really what I needed…. they forced me to make the choice on my own and to OWN my choice.

which I did. Full makeup, I wore my wig (I was about to write out a justification for that, screw it, none needed), my curvy jeans, tight white tshirt and my cardigan. No boobs, no bra, and since my nipples have been erect for like 2 weeks now, the fact that I was a woman with absolutely no breasts or attempt to hide the fact, was very obvious. And I felt good, and I looked great :).

we arrived at the party, the birthday girl greets us, I say hi to the couple people I know (we also brought along another amazing chick who knows and loves me), give Andrea a big hug and settle into a conversation with her. I figured I’ll meet the rest of the people as the night went on. I can see that I’m getting a few sideways glances, the younger ones (who turned out to be birthday girls cousins) are glancing at me every few seconds, as if they were curious as to what I’d do next, lol

I start to tell Andrea how it took me a while to decide to how to appear, and that I do feel comfortable in how I chose to present, and blah blah blah. She cuts me off. She says “Don’t tell me what you’re feeling, show me. If you’re comfortable in your skin, be comfortable. Words are meaningless, actions count”… I kissed her, hugged her, and we switched into other chitchats.

I meet another great woman, who literally knew not a soul at the party, she had just met the birthday girl a short while ago and this was the second time they met. She wanted to ask about me, my experiences, curious but in a really positive way (she works with a trans woman, but she doesn’t feel right asking her as she isn’t that type of person), we chat on and off the whole evening. She congratulates me, encourages me, and tells me that I am really owning who I am, I laugh and tell her how nervous I really am and she just doesn’t believe me. It felt really good

I meet birthday girls dad, and he just can’t stop talking to me!, so cute :). He had a gorgeous woman standing next to me to look at, yet his eyes rarely left mine as he babbled left and right (a little drunk I think) about nice places to take a vacation. In all honesty, that really made me feel comfortable

I start to feel better…. I start to feel like myself.

I share a doob with a group of folks, I can tell the guy standing next to me is realllllllly unsure of how he should be reacting, can’t meet my eyes. I can see the apology in the girls eyes who is standing next to him. It doesn’t get me down, I actually think its cute and I continue to be myself. Later on that night, so nervously I really thought he could have an accident, he asks me, so… are you…. a man who is becoming a woman?… or wants to be one?. He is twitchy, eyes darting left and right, if I had touched him I think his head would have popped. I laughed and told him that I’m a transsexual woman, I was born in the body of a boy, but never connected or felt like a boy, but always felt like a girl. I tell him I’m on medication that is going to kickstart a female puberty in me…. “I’m 35 and in a month or so I’m going to start growing boobs”… I smile and laugh, and it makes him feel a bit better although he is still sheepish. His girlfriend overhears, makes sure he isn’t making an ass of himself, we chat about it all and he ends up wandering away.

go out for a butt with her (I didn’t smoke!), meet another chick, she didn’t really need any questions answered and was chill with me, we’re in similar industries after all, easy connection. Meet some of the europeans, chitchat with them, they are now comfortable with me

by the end of the night, I had only met about 30% of the people there, but the amount of people that came in and out was ridiculous. I mentioned that at the beginning, I was getting glances, people were checking me out, playing “what’s the tranny gonna do!”. I noticed that as the night wore on, and I chatted with more and more random people, and those who didn’t meet me saw me moving around and interacting, just like anyone else, that the glances just kind of stopped. I was acting just like everyone else, they saw that, and just like the first girl said, they saw that I owned it, this is me, this is who I am. And that made them comfortable

and they can go home and say, damn!, there was this trans, androgynous, femme, not quite sure person at the party I was at, got along with everyone, so cool!.

and that’s what I want

but…. and there is always a but

I am starting to get a little annoyed at the fact that so many people feel that they can question what happened with my marriage, or even ask “why did you bother getting married”. Look, I get that for the most of you, you wouldn’t be able to stay with your mate after they transition from one gender to another, but at the same time, you’re trying to imagine your life, right at that moment, with your boyfriend in a dress, or your girlfriend without breasts in a suit. It’s not the same thing as knowingly dating someone who is trans OK?. Each time that someone decides to inform me “wow, I’d never be able to stay with *my* husband either”, it tells me that while they support who I am, they see me as someone undatable, and thats a crappy message to keep hearing from people who in all other ways, do mean well. I’m just sick and tired of hearing “well, it’s expected isn’t it?”…. maybe it is in THIS shitty society…. but how about we try to be people who live in a society where is isn’t expected OK?.

/rant over

so all in all, good night, good times, met cool people, made some friends, and a bunch of people are slightly less ignorant, and my confidence got yet another little bump.

awesome


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