A date….

March 27th.

That’s the day that I’ll receive my first dose of E and anti androgen’s*. To be overly dramatic, the first day of the rest of my life… again… hehe. Or to remain being dramatic, only slightly less so, I could see it as Dawn’s birthday.

hrm, that’s kinda cute.

My follow up went great, as it turns out my system is well balanced, all my levels are pretty much where they should be, and there is nothing to hold me back from doing this medically, I’ve got the green light. Becca even came with me to my appointment, which was pretty darn cool if you ask me :). Just like she can’t really ever know fully what I’m going through, I can’t really know what types of feelings she is having right now either. Once we got home at the end of the day, she gave me a big hug and held me tighter than she has in quite some time.

“I’m happy for you, I really am” she says softly in my ear…… writing that made me cry…..

So now I’m in a waiting pattern, overall, 42 more days to wait from the day of that visit. Am I excited?, well, yeah, but honestly, I don’t think its quite sunk in yet. Nov 2011 I was putting my makeup on for the first time in years, and March 2013 my hormones start….. this wasn’t ever supposed to be possible…. and while the past year has been anything but easy…. I’ve made it to where I’ve always wanted to be relatively unscathed….. so while it hasn’t been easy, at the same time, it could have been so much harder, and I guess that makes me……

suspicious

(cue ominous music)

heheheheh, have I mentioned I’m a little paranoid? 😛

I tried to go and talk to our HR director today, whatdayaknow, she leaves early, so I left her an email requesting a meeting to discuss something privately. I spent a bit of time today writing down talking points I want to go over with her, I have information from other similar companies ready for her on how they deal with transitioners, I know we have gender identity as a specified protection in our ethics manual, being Canadian I’m indirectly protected by our constitution, I got my shit in order.

I had figured that after 6 to 9 months that I would have changed enough for me to no longer pass for a guy, but now I’m not too sure about that, after all, I may look the exact same in 6 months, it’s really hard to say. So if I wait 12, or even 15 months to transition socially, wtf am I doing talking to her now…. but like I’ve said before, I really don’t want them finding out from someone other than me, I gotta be honorable about this type of thing and not hide away, I mean, I know where I ‘m going right?.

Have to admit though, I’m still scared, what I wrote about recently, how I could survive as a boy has been on my mind, and lo an behold, someone on a forum I chat on just threw up her hands and decided to pack her femme self away, after already having started HRT, all to try and keep her family and life together. My instant reaction is to shake the damn woman and remind her how this shit doesn’t go away, rip that band aid off, do it!, if your relationship wasn’t mean’t to be then it wasn’t meant to be, your kids will be better off with two happy parent’s who are apart than the inverse!

And so often, the advice we give to others is what we need to give ourselves.

In reality, I can’t know her reasoning, I can’t know if this is something she should, or shouldn’t do, and who the fuck am I to say one way or another anyways, I barely know the poor dear. The advice I want to give her, truly, is intended for me.

While thinking about writing this post I stop off at the bathroom, and I look at myself in the mirror…. I look at her in the mirror, that androgynous chick in the mirror, and I smile, and I know I’m doing the right thing.

Yeah, I’m ready, nothing wrong with being scared, I’m not just getting a new haircut here….. HA!

Bring it

* testosterone blockers, my body will keep on creating it, but this will block the absorption of it which will eventually bring my testosterone levels down to that of a natal female.


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