Dysphoria

I hadn’t felt that in a while…

I came to realize only afterwards that I hadn’t actually gone to a mall in boy mode in a couple of months. With my outings before my trip, then being pretty much fully femme during my trip, then once back here Becca took off for almost a month on a trip with her parents so my outings for shopping then were en femme, the last time I was out like that was probably June or July, wow.

We had to go and get a new phone for Becca, she lost hers unfortunately during her trip, so I dropped her off at one of the local malls and took off to get gas and find parking. Heading back to the mall in the car, I started to feel my anxiety levels rising, no clue why, I just felt really twitchy. Walking up to the mall from the parking spot the feelings got worse, and these are feelings I haven’t really felt in a good number of months. I located where I needed to go on the map, and headed off, passing familiar stores, seeing gorgeous pieces here and there, and when I almost wandered into one to try something on it finally clicked, whoah buddy, you’re not dressed right for that.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

The things is, the past few weeks while Becca was gone, the whole “gotta do it gotta do it” mindset of transitioning has really subsided. Don’t get me wrong, its still there, but it’s a dull murmur in my head as opposed to a roar. Since she’s come back the thoughts have come back stronger because I feel more male around her, which means I feel more male for a larger percentage of my day, which, well, irks me in some way that only transfolk really get. I did spend the majority of my time en homme while she was gone, I went out en femme a few times, spent an evening / day by myself at home en femme a few times, but I also went out as a guy to visit friends. I didn’t feel that same male’ness when I was out at my friends place, they all know about me (or were told that day), and I make no pretense and don’t “act” at all, but at the same time I don’t have that pressure. I guess I didn’t realize I did have that pressure around Becca, after all, I don’t “act” around her either, but in retrospect, of course the pressure is there, duh.

So, all that to say, the dysphoria gets worse depending on the situation, but the fact that its there harder because I’m back with Becca now is kind of telling. I’ve been worried about the possible situation that we split up because I’m going to transition….. and I don’t actually end up doing that. Wouldn’t surprise me honestly, lol. When I’m single, although its been a long time, these feelings are alot easier to handle, or even push away, but when you are with someone, and they are reacting to you the way they expect you to be (i.e., male, boyfriend, husband) all of the time, that’s when the discord raises its ugly head. After all, when you’re alone, regardless of how you look or the current configuration of your body, what does being male or female even mean?.

I wonder how many transitioned women can relate to these thoughts, I’m sure alot of middle path’ers can…..

anyhoo, rambling girl out!


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