Where is the line

At what point do I feel like a woman?

Is it when my face is smoothed by powder?, is it liner, mascara, forms and a bra, a wig, at what point does the dysphoria fade?, at what point does the accessorizing do the job?

The weather is crummy and I was stuck in the office regardless today, got home not feeling too hot, took a long bath, got dressed, very light makeup, wig and boobs but no other padding, some¬†jewelery…. I spent some time with Netflix going in the background doing my nails, watched a couple movies cuddled under a blanket, nothing I wouldn’t do on any other rainy and mucky night.

Aside from my outside appearance, I feel and think the same as a few nights ago when I was sitting in the same spot, watching TV and fiddling around on the net, the clothes are the same (literally, top is a different color, but I wear femme tops around the house regardless), does it make me feel that much different to have the extra curves and hair?.

On a side note, I met a cool chick at a bar last week, got to talking, she mentioned off hand how she could see how I would want to be with a man in order to feel more feminine, after all, what makes a woman feel more like a woman than being “taken” by a big strong man. Her words not mine by the way, I didn’t contradict her, cause I have had those thoughts in the past, but at the same time I realized that I feel feminine because I am feminine. Yes I want to be treated respectfully and as I am presenting when I am out and about in the world, but I don’t need anyone’s approval or permission or help in order to feel feminine. I do because I simply am.

So back to when do I cross that line?, is there still a line to cross?. I feel femme all the time, regardless of how I present, so dressing now is just getting the outside to look more like what the inside feels like, as stereotypical as it is to say that (although I never have said that before). I feel just a bit more relaxed right now than I do in full boy mode, but since the boy mode is quite girly to begin with, that extra relaxation is diminishing as I cross over. I do kind of miss the rush, but the crash is much easier to deal with as well.

We often talk about the pain at the end of the night, the procrastination before taking the makeup off, the sadness to returning to boy mode for who knows how long, hell, I’ve mentioned it myself not too long ago. I haven’t felt that in a little while now, I don’t mind getting the makeup off (especially in this humidity), I know that there is nothing holding me back from slathering it back on again. I also know that I don’t stop being a trans woman just because I happen to be in boy mode for a while.

I think the line is simply fading, perhaps thats the answer?


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