Leading up to this past year

Like I alluded to in my first post, this has been a big year for me when it comes to “Teh Trans”. At this time last year I hadn’t gone out en femme since about 2008, which was an outing during some of the various gay festivities here in Montreal. Now, I’m out and about pretty much anywhere, sometimes I’m still surprised at how quickly this change happened, and how easy it all ended up being.

Dawn’s first time out in the world was 2006, a good friend of mine, lets call him Cal*, decided to hold a ‘crossdressing’ party at his apartment and invited me. I had been dying to get out there at that point, and jumped on the party as a safe way to see how it felt to be femme somewhere other than my apartment, sure it wasn’t a terribly honest first time out, aside from a girl-friend of mine who was coming with me, no one there actually knew about “the secret!”. Still, it was a fun first time out even though everyone thought it was sooooo funny that I looked soooooo femmy, so yeah I was getting laughed at, but I guess it was for the right reason?, weird.

Fast forward a year, now I’m dating Rebecca* who would go on to later be my wife, and Montreal pride is coming up fast. She is getting more comfortable with her boyfriend being a trans person, although she still has lots of lines that she isn’t comfortable crossing (only in safe places, gay village, no straight world exploration, another story….), but we both figure the Pride parade is a great way for us to be out at the same time safely and relatively anonymously. The day goes well, she has to work that afternoon so I end up going back to the village with another friend of mine I’m out to, lots of fun, interesting conversation, etc etc etc, all good stuff.

During that year I start to attend a trans support group, great bunch of girls and guys, but I’m the only one there who isn’t going through their transition, I’m the only “transgendered crossdresser” in the group. While the people were great and understanding, I always had the feeling that they weren’t taking me terribly seriously, I wasn’t on the ‘mones, so I couldn’t be very serious about all of this right?, ugh. After a few months of going there off and on, the time between visits started to get longer and longer, until I just never bothered going back. In retrospect, I was feeling alot of pressure (most likely self imposed) to transition while I was in that group so I could fit in better, but the thought scared the ever loving hell out of me, I wasn’t ready for it then, so I (once again) ran away and hid from all of this.

Becca and I went to Pride again the next year (we’re up to 2008 now for those keeping track), and again it was a great day. I had gotten in touch with an old friend, and the three of us spent the afternoon together out as girl-friends, enjoying the sunshine and live music, lounging out in a park with thousands of others around us all doing the same thing, typical Montreal afternoon. So now I’m coming out to old friends, some new, I’m going out, Becca is supportive, what do I do?, I go right back into the closet.

Looking back I still don’t fully understand why.

I remember driving back home from either pride or the other day where we went out with my old friend, and I was talking to my mom on my cell. She had known about me for a couple years now, but had never agreed to see a picture of me, but over the past couple of weeks she had made it sound like she was OK with it now. I guess it got my hopes up… I asked her again which email to send a couple pics to, and she all quietly said that she actually wasn’t ready, and would most likely never be ready, and I remember feeling absolutely crushed.

I also remember that while Becca was supportive, she’s never been…. *into* it all….. I’m sure trans folk out there know what I mean by that. I was also feeling quite lonely, two pride events and I had barely seen any other trans folk anywhere, I hadn’t met anyone, all my years of hunting online on all of the standard trans sites had resulted in ZERO people interested in just meeting other similar people for friendship (this city is seriously over-sexed), I guess something in my head / psyche just cracked, and Dawn hung up her heels for quite a while.

Between then and this past November, my trans-ness took another angle while I was subconsciously closeting myself. I may have not put my wig on or put on a full face, but I still wore women’s clothing off and on. It started with undies, as it often does (LOL), and undershirts, nothing silly and frilly, just more fitted undershirts (like women’s tops tend to be) which would fit under my men’s t-shirts or polo’s, and hanes boyshorts instead of my usual “athletics” (those tight boxers). At first it was once a week. I would still remove my women’s under-stuff before bed, before Becca would see me wear them (she knew I was, I just had trouble letting her see me like that), then slowly over the months it became more and more often, to the point where she would ask me to wear some of my men’s sexy undies for her just because I had been wearing femme undergarments so regularly. I started to wear women’s lounge wear at home, mainly yoga pants, or loose comfy capri’s, in the winter I would snuggle under one of my long knit cardigans (women’s of course). I was (again, subconsciously) starting to integrate both my masculine and my feminine, just without actually dolling up completely. As those handful of years went by, I slowly went from hiding the fact that I was wearing a fitted scoop neck undershirt and black hanes panties, to sleeping openly in my femme clothing, wandering around the house in them the next morning, and chatting easily with Becca while lying there in a pair of panties. Sometime at the end of last year, I started wearing women’s jeans in boy-mode (yes, to work as well, im a jeans -n- t-shirt person at the office), and after multiple frustrating shopping trips for jeans, I just stopped buying from the guy’s side of the store, both Becca and I had to face it, my body isn’t shaped like a regular guy’s, and my CK size 30s fit me far better than any men’s jeans I’ve ever worn. I started getting manicures, and while I dont wear color all the time (and definitely not to work), I always have a matte coat on my fingers. I’ve kept my body shaved all summer, and since its quite hot outside I’ve been wearing (women’s) jean capri’s to work, shaved legs plainly visible to anyone who wants to look (and oh yes, they’ve noticed, lol). Oh, and this January, I finally got my ears pierced.

So while I wasn’t actually dressing, I was in a way dressing each day, softening my male side. My mannerisms and body language started to lose their macho overtones, I’ve always been naturally feminine when it came to body language, but like many trans people, I also became one heck of an actor and wore my “male” armor fiercely. That armor is gone now, and if anything, I’m coming across as a soft gay man.

I don’t remember exactly when I *snapped* and napalmed my closet, but I’m pretty sure it was sometime last November. Becca was out working all day on a weekend, and I was puttering in the closet, and before I knew it, Dawn was standing before a mirror, barely any makeup, and the camera was out, snap snap snap snap snap, and 100+ pictures later I had created a Flickr account and posted a few new pictures. There was no leading up to this, no decision, it just kinda happened. Becca came home that night to Dawn, and it was a pretty fantastic night, she was happy to see me happy even though for her, this meant dealing with trans stuff again.

A few more dress at home’s, stopping off at Dynamite for some shopping in boy mode, then before I knew it we did our first trans club outing, then the very next day (St Patricks day) I went out all on my lonesome to the (gulp!) straight part of the city, right downtown to the Bay Center, got a makeup consult at the MAC counter (right next to the main entrance to the Bay), walked up and down St Catherine street (for those who know Montreal, this is our biggest shopping street in the city) with literally tens of thousands around me, and the world didn’t end :). Again, none of this was planned, or worked up to, it just happened. I remember being a little dissapointed by the fact that we got manicures (with color for once and while en femme!) and that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy them again, so I just said fuck it, put on my face, and headed out.

Now I’m sitting here in my Jessica Simpson skinny jeans, in my Le Chateau black silk top, all dolled up, looking and feeling great, with Becca asleep next to me on the couch, and I’m resting my feet after a lovely afternoon’s shopping with a good girl-friend of mine and her husband. I already have a small circle of trans friends that I’ve made in my past few outings, and the sweetest trans-oriented guy (he doesn’t like the term admirer, this will be another post for the future, interesting stuff) that I keep running into that loves to make me blush (thankfully Becca thinks this is adorable and is not threatened). Things are definitely looking up 🙂

I’ve opened so many new avenue’s for posts from this one, more to come later, this girl needs her beauty rest. Thanks for reading.

* – all names in this blog have been altered, but I will continue to use the same faux names for the same people to maintain consistency.

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